To Women Who Ask for D/s, then It Fades

Every once in awhile, I get an email from a reader looking for advice, and often times it’s about how to ask for D/s or add some BDSM to the bedroom. While I’m not necessarily an expert, I’ll offer my advice when I can.

And today I was thinking random thoughts, and I realized that if someone reached out to ask me a question, there’s probably 100 other readers who have the same question, problem, or issue, but never asked, and that I could share my responses with my readers.

This is from an email from close to two years ago, from a married woman who finally confessed to her husband that she wanted to add some D/s to their relationship. He was receptive. They played a bit. Then the D/s faded away until it was gone. She couldn’t help but wonder what she did wrong.

Here’s my *edited* response.


With M’s and my relationship, I think the D/s dynamic is way more significant to me than it is to him. I’ve struggled with this and at times I still do. And if it were completely up to me, it would manifest more and in many ways.
And yet I don’t ask for more. I should, but I don’t. Because I don’t what him doing anything he doesn’t want to do. And part of me is afraid if I open up and tell him something, and he doesn’t want it, then I fear I will be devastated.
But that’s not to say that I am unhappy with where we are. I’m not.
Because, when it comes down to it, I am submissive, and M is Dominate and that’s what matters.
Here’s a few things to remember…
  • You, I am assuming, have thought about D/s for some time before you mentioned it to your husband. If you are anything like me, you not only thought about it, but you played it out in your head, fantasized about it, and maybe even rubbed down a few to it. But your husband, he probably never thought about it until you brought it up. For us, this meant that M’s head and thoughts on the matter were way different than where mine were. And it took him awhile to become comfortable with certain things, things that I didn’t think twice about.
  • On that same note, give him some time. But don’t let it drift too far from his mind. Because it might… You said that you think he gave up on it; have you asked him? That’s where you should start. Because I doubt that’s the case. I would more likely think he just doesn’t know where to go with it, what to do. If it just drifted off, and you didn’t say anything, he probably hasn’t thought much about it. Ask. See where’s he’s at.
  • Being dominate isn’t easy. It’s a lofty task, and one that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. And the very idea of it conflicts with much of what men are taught to believe. So it’s not like there is a switch, where all the old things fall away and suddenly he’s cracking a whip, calling you a dirty whore, and spanking you when you mouth off too much.
When I started thinking about D/s seriously, I started trying to do submissive things. Things M probably never even noticed. But I’d do them, and I’d do them with pride. Simple things, like making his plate at dinner, serving him before I’d serve myself. My thoughts were that if I became submissive, he would become dominate. *shrugs* I can’t really say that it worked or not, but it made me feel submissive.
When M found out about my desire for submission, it was not under the best circumstances, and we had more than a few hurtles to overcome on our journey. But it also smacked him in the face. He had never read the blog before and had pages upon pages of my inner-most thoughts on the matter. In many ways, it made things easier, and in others, it made it much much harder.
And remember, it’s a journey. And it is often two steps forward and one back.
My advice… Don’t give up. Talk to him first and see where he’s at.
*hugs and kisses* ~caitlyn
So my fellow pervs, subs, and Doms, do you have any additional wisdom you could offer a woman in this predicament?
And you, dear readers, if you ever have any questions on D/s, BDSM, love, sex, marriage, or blogging, feel free to email me at or comment below. I’ve removed the need to put in a name and email address, so you can now comment anonymously.
Peace out, y’all, and have a rocking night.

4 responses to “To Women Who Ask for D/s, then It Fades

  1. Yes, well start with this distinction. That’s what we did. You find D/s (Dominant/submissive) power exchange brings the heat? (It does.) And you want to avoid Bed Death in your marriage? Distinction.

    Real Life.


    You can still PLAY Dominant/submissive in scene play as FOREPLAY.. I believe the famil that plays (fucks) together, stays together. Sex is a family value. Sex play or just sex heals. Make up sex or whatever; got to do it. If you want the marriage healthy.

    But if he doesn’t want to BE Mr. Domly Dom, he can still play on the left side of the slash. I love to play there. My wife will NEVER be my “submissive”. We have and had an egalitarian marriage before discovering power exchange and D’s and kink. So now we play D/s. We still “make love” with me running the fuck (Top/Dom/Left of the slash) ;but she still drives us to church. Her car. She drives. We are having LESS power struggles and more sex now that we PLAY D/s. Our scenes are foreplay basically and they are hot. But when the scene is over; it is back to marriage. Nice but different.

    I learned this once by calling her a dirty name and telling her to “drop and give me a……”before she went to work. We were NOT in a scene. Bad husband. Didn’;t work. Learning the ropes here.

    • Haha. Definitely a learning experience! I find it amazing the way reality can be influenced by the bedroom. I think so many couples are missing out, I think so many marriages could be better, if people could just open up.
      And thanks, Dan, I always appreciate your comments!

  2. Hey Caitlyn! That was awesome seeing you share my email with your readers. Your advice to me two years ago really helped guide me in speaking to my husband about what back then I would have referred to as an awkward subject. Our relationship has flourished beyond what I had hoped for and I really want to thank you for all your help. It wasn’t easy asking for what I wanted and there were a lot of awkward moments and tears on my part (because I was so embarrassed) but it was so worth it. He knew I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone and he was very receptive. My husband was so open to all I needed and even researched it himself. When I thought it was “fading” he was actually just gathering info and forming his own style. I’m so glad I didn’t give up! We are married 25 years this year and our relationship is stronger than ever. So once again, thank you for all your advice. *hugs & kisses*

    • Hi Lara!! I looked for your email to ask you if you cared if I shared this, but I couldn’t find it.
      I’m so glad it all worked out and that your relationship has grown. That’s what it’s all about. Growing together to become closer.

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