The “Problem” with Female Masturbation

Be prepared. This may get a little ranty.

My friend BIG RICH stumbled upon a few articles and emailed them to me this morning. I guess he thought I’d find them interesting. Or maybe he misses hearing my tangents. Either way, this is what he got.

They’re both from Christianity Today and I picked The Real Problem With Female Masturbation because I thought it would be more interesting. I haven’t read the other one yet, this one’s enough for right now. But after skimming it, I think I’m glad I didn’t; it might piss me off more than this did.

I started the article and, honestly, I was rather impressed by the first paragraph where Jordon Monge praises women for bringing masturbation up in conversation. Damn right. Let’s talk about it.

Then she starts to discuss lust, and that’s when I started rolling my eyes, although she included valid points. Things like Christianity focusing on the wife fulfilling the husband’s desires, but never concerning itself with the woman’s libido, even though she should be passionate and exciting at the drop of his whim.

 It treats sex as a man’s playing field, reinforcing the notion that women should cater to men’s desires without possessing similar desires of their own…

We need a biblical approach that recognizes both the immense pleasure of the female orgasm and the inherent goodness of sexual desire while reserving its proper place for within marriage.

This is the last line on the first page, and I was like Hell Yeah! with a fist pump. I was excited for where I thought Monge was going with this, but I was so very wrong.

She continues talking about lust and how it needs to be treated like any other sin and we must learn the “discipline of self-control.”

Humph. Well, see here we differ. But I’m okay with that. I understand we all have different opinions and believe different things. I don’t believe mine is in anyway better than other’s, simply something that works for me. I’m not here to judge.

But then she goes on about how “wanting to be wanted” pretty much makes you a whore (my words, not hers; her words were “immodest” and “reach out to any man”). She criticizes finding “the act of being wanted sexually arousing,” stating that there is no moral outlet from this arousal except in the marriage bed.

See, I didn’t realize until right about here that Monge really believed masturbation was a bad thing. I thought her stance was that they were wrong, and it was natural for a woman to have a libido and embrace it. That it was necessary to become a passionate wife.

Nope. Her position is that we need to learn about self-discipline and monitor our cycles, so that we can “avoid temptation” and learn to “tame our lust,” so we don’t rub one down. And she’s tricky. See, she’s not only telling you to control yourself, but she knows the longer you go without it, the longer you fight it, the weaker it gets. Ignore your libido long enough, and it will fade away.

What. The. Fuck. You want me to fuck my husband whenever he wants. You want me to keep him excited with new things so he stays interested and doesn’t stray. But you want me to kill my own sex drive. You want me to cum like a banshee for my husband, embrace the “immense pleasure of the female orgasm” but don’t want me to touch it myself, learn about my own body, what makes it feel good, how to make those very same female orgasms happen.

But of course. I forgot. Perhaps if I pray hard enough, perhaps if I’m pious enough, if I “discipline” myself enough. Perhaps then God would grant me multiple-toe-curling-hanging-from-the-rafters orgasms. Perhaps I am wrong.

Yeah. Fuck that. I’m not leaving this in God’s hands.

See, my God, the one that’s in my heart, he/she/it doesn’t care if I touch myself. I am not to be ashamed of my body and things that bring it pleasure. Sex and masturbation and orgasms are not bad things. They are wondrous things. They are things that make life amazing.

Especially in the union of a marriage (or any other relationship for that matter). Having sexual desire, wanting your man, wanting your man to want you, these are many of the things that keep good marriages together. They are things that keep couples talking and intimate. Keeps them happy and home. Things that make marriages last.

And it’s bullshit like this that keeps women down, keeps them ashamed of themselves and their bodies. Makes them want to fuck in the dark and fake orgasms.

It’s information like this that give so many of us a bad name, branding us because we enjoy our bodies, for ourselves, yes, but also for our partners, so we can enjoy sex with them more, give and take pleasure together. Share in something awe-inspiring instead of laying there like a dead fish.

It’s fucking Bullshit.

56 responses to “The “Problem” with Female Masturbation

  1. Raised in the ultra conservative branch of church, this was what I grew up hearing. It has taken 22 years and a loving man to get rid of this nonsense lurking in the back of my head every time we were intimate. It KILLS sexual pleasure. Glad you ranted. Total crap.

  2. Here’s the deal as I see this crap that is argued. I know you’ll agree. You see, if the arguement is kept in our pants, the oppressive and unrealistic approach gains credibility because it speaking primarily of the physicality of sex, KEEPS IT IN OUR PANTS. ( and we know that just gets sticky and messy.) The arguement needs to rise up to our intellligence and the actual capabilities that a healthy sex life induces which is spiritual connection. Give them the “in marriage” card – it doesn’t hold weight when the argument becomes about real spirituality because when people can truly love with their bodies, when we can be as sexually open to another as the hands of God, then I believe that people can experience a deeply soulful experience of connection, acceptance, personal value as a giver and receiver of love along with some attainment of a higher spiritual aspect of being. No one who has had great sex like that can intelligently argue that THAT it does not bring one closer to God. Well, I wouldn’t give it any clout. I hate this shit with a passion LSAM. It just wastes our time by putting us back into the dark ages. Yes, I get bitter having to deal with ignorance on that level. Again, I understand if no one agrees. I don’t care either way. XO, Jayne

    • sorry about the grammatical errors, typing and thinking this as I masturbated has it’s problems. : ) Feel free to correct me and delete this reply. XO, J

      • Masturbate and read here anytime dear Jayne. I think I kind of like it.
        Sex can definitely have a spiritual aspect, especially when it’s smoking hot. And how do you have smoking hot sex? By knowing how your body works and what makes it feel good. And how does this happen? By masturbating.
        Masturbation can be the new confessional prayer. When you can be open and honest and let go.
        Fuck ’em. xoxo

        • : ) This was a great topic – sort of… It does makes me nervous – creepy nervous to think how sexually oppressive some religions / communities are to young girls …and guys. It’s just sad. xo, J

      • Right. And it’s not like this is a fundamentalist/extreme magazine. Hell, it’s pretty mainstream. It’s sad to think how many people actually are influenced by this and made to feel like shit because of it. Stupid.

  3. Deep down, I think I left America for bigger reasons than finding a country where I could drink wine at lunch every day and (at the time) smoke at the luggage carousel at the airport. It is shit like this that turned my stomach and would have most likely kept me down. I was 35 the first time I really masturbated, bought a sex toy, had an orgasm. Why? I couldn’t tell ya but I have a feeling that this insidious Christian thinking somehow got into my pants.

    I recently saw a documentary on television about the ? Virgin Ball, which oddly takes place in the town I grew up in. The French treated it like a science project….

    I’m with you and Jayne too! My God wants me to be happy, he wants me to find ways to get to happiness. He gave me a body, a beautiful sexual body to use as I feel like. Sinning is denying ourselves all the magnificent treasures we hold inside. Centuries of that shit! I’m getting furious. (luckily I have no qualms about “rubbing one off.” I’ll be feeling serene ten minutes from now.)

    Great post!

    • wtf is a virgin ball? and iare males included in this thing I’m afraid to hear about? I already want to add sickening commentary but I’ll keep it clean for the sake of an honest argument or debate.

      • Nevermind -looked it up. Ass backwards and there is no debate possible for me to enter into seriously. Where is Pussy Riot when you need them?! That’s what I’d start up at the Virgin Ball.
        Dawn, I thought it was some device – LOL!!! Maybe a rose scented ball, like an O-ring, that blocks entrance into the vagina like the stone over Jesus’ tomb until a worthy male – who by the way has been humping and plugging all the animal holes he could find to maintain his own form of virginity. (See – I do get beastly with this kind of stupidity. It becomes a game to top “their ” stupidity with more senseless and ridiculous stupidity) I’ll excuse myself now. xo, J

      • It’s dads with their daughters. It’s like a more horrifying than average wedding ceremony where the daughter is so crying-happy to promise her dad that she will never even get felt up by a guy until marriage. I had already heard about it before I saw the documentary….seeing the whole deal with my landscape thrown in was completely nauseating. I’m lucky to have gotten out of there in one piece, more or less.

        I doubt that they are big on masturbation either.

        I’m with you, this shit infuriates me, and I am a passive person in general. I left America the year of the presidential election Bush Father / Clinton, and the most important subject the whole country could get angry about was abortion. WTF??? That was over twenty years ago and it does not seem to me that we have progressed much. At all.

        I have to go back to my non-virtual, less exciting life.

    • Wine at lunch and cigarettes at the airport… *sigh* What a lovely place.
      It’s ridiculous. And stupid.
      And the Virgin Ball… God, that just brings up so many stupid and idiotic practices. Like I really started fucking boys because my daddy didn’t love me enough. Fuck you.
      I remember in high school, we had this thing called “Prom Promise.” When you signed it, you were committing to not drinking on prom night.
      Junior year, I signed it. And ate acid and tripped balls all through prom and into the next morning.
      Senior year, I refused it sign it. Pissed off a bunch of my friends because I wouldn’t because “it didn’t look good” or we’d get a prize or some shit. I said it was my last prom, and I’m getting fucked up, and I’m not going to sign the stupid thing just so the school looks good and can say we are “drug and alcohol free.”
      Fuck that. We were all fucked up. We were all going to the same parties afterwards, drinking cheap keg beer and Boones Farm and smoking weed out of pop cans.
      They couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t sign it. I couldn’t understand why the would.
      The point being *little off topic there, sorry* how many of those girls actually remained virgins. Or perhaps they were like me junior year with my LSD; they’d let boys fuck their ass so they were still “virgins.”
      *hugs and kisses*

    • I went to check virgin balls… I was appalled!
      I read an article about a month ago about a woman who explained how her purity ring led to a quick divorce. (I just spent a little time looking for the link, and yay! I found it ).
      Reading how virginity balls are supposedly girls promising their fathers they will stay pure, I wonder what happens to those girls when they fail. One founder apparently agrees with me about virginity pledges “It heaps guilt upon them. If they fail, you’ve made it worse for them.” (
      And it does sound rather incestuous, doesn’t it? *sigh*

  4. Oh my…..what I have to say on this topic!!! Off to work so I will be back! But I will leave this thought, I came 4 times yesterday, twice by hubby and twice on my own!!!! Oh Boy, call a priest I must have devil inside me! ;0)

    • Can’t wait to hear your opinion little nymph. And I love multi-orgasmic days. Love them! xoxo

      • Okay 3 days later….work, kids and a whole lot of chaos going on here! A while back I wrote a post about female masturbation, it wasn’t based on religion. However, it did discuss how based on my upbringing I was ashamed of masturbation and felt like I was the only female pleasuring myself. It’s a topic that does warrant conversation, but positive conversation. So I read through the article and I agree with you, the first page is a little misleading. It almost feels like she’s rooting for female masturbation and acknowledging that we are sexual beings and then you go on to the second page! I’m actually laughing, cause my alternative reaction is to find this woman and slap her for her ignorance. I was raised Catholic (but I don’t practice, I’m more spiritual) and I’m not here to put down anyone’s religious beliefs but that article is…….I can’t even muster up a word at the moment, or I should say there are so many running through my head I can’t seem to pick the perfect one. “Call it what it is: Ladies who lust….Control your lust”. I’ll call it what it is, the churches need to control people. Use the ‘ANTHEM’ method as a way to resist your urges…Here’s my ‘ANTHEM’ method.

        A-Avoid people and organizations who would allow you to be ashamed of yourself as much as possible.
        N- Say NO to silencing your ‘lust’ within 5 seconds because it is natural.
        T- Turn the mind toward knowing God gave you the ability to satisfy yourself.
        H-Hold the promise to be true to yourself to drive negative thoughts out.
        E -Enjoy the superior satisfaction your body gives you; which God bestowed upon you.
        M-Move into the exploration of your sexual side and away from the stupidity of those who wish to control us.

        A the end of the article is a link to “Getting to the root of female masturbation” and I’m debating whether my blood pressure can handle it. I will definitely be writing more posts about female masturbation, so that women can feel there is a community that understands them and celebrates their sexual freedom! Okay, that’s my rant!

      • Amen sister! I read the other article. Wrote half a post ranting about the damn thing! haha. Maybe I’ll finish it up soon for Masturbation Month (yay May)!! xoxo
        And I LOVE your ANTHEM!

  5. LSAM, I’m with you. Bullshit indeed. And let me say I have studied, read, prayed, worked with self pleasuring issues for 30 years now. I was a devoted wanker while single and remain a devoted wanker now married. I’ve even gone a pilgrimage to meet and hug Betty Dodson (Sex For One and Joani Blank (GoodVibrations) who pioneered the permission to wank in this country.
    But some additional context here before my comment:
    a) I used to write book reviews AND get paid by this mag CT in the 70s and 80s. Yes, $80 for a book review. Big money back then.
    b) I was a Protestant pastor/minister before converting to Eastern Orthodoxy.
    c) I was then an Orthodox priest and pastor for 12 years when my kids were young; I then retired to layman status. (Most Eastern Orthodox priests are married BTW. They can be celibate or monk priests. Most are not.)
    d) I am finishing two books in 2014, memoirs: Sex With Librarians and God and a second book, Confessions of a Married Masturbator. Memoirs of #1 my five year search for a good woman/marriage after my 28 yr marriage ended; #2 my life re-married (7yrs now) to a very wonderful and naughty church lady.
    e) I’m in church EVERY Sunday, pray, have worked to stay true to the faith for over 50 years. I’m 66 and proud. I still weep to the words of your song: What If God Were One Of Us.

    Married and a bit older, I need and want MORE desire and lust in my marriage. When single I’d self pleasure as a prayer, using that force to direct me to the woman I was looking for. Married, I wank once or twice a week now (always outdoors by my small waterfall; sort of in a prayer ceremony) to stay on top of my arousal cycle and to hone an erotic excellence that will make me/keep me a better lover of myself and my spouse. I ask her to do the same; to self pleasure at least weekly or 2x a wk.

    Dear Jordan Monge hear me. Wanting to be wanted? What? That’s not a good thing? I so want my wife to want me as much as she can. I want ME to want ME even! I love it when my lady notices another hot guy and brings the heat home to our bed. Hormone workups? Erotica? A little Kink? Whatever it takes to stay sharp and hot for the long haul. Otherwise one gets and goes limp and grows old. Sad. Love dies. Indeed sad.

    • I’m Catholic, heavily influenced by my dad’s mother. My mom is technically Lutheran I think, but I’m not really sure. But it’s weird, I’ve never really struggled with masturbation being a bad thing, at least not as far as God was concerned. Stealing my dad’s old Penthouses, I felt that was much more of a sin, not because they were porn or I was looking at women, but because I was stealing them.
      It’s a fact, masturbation arouses us and makes us want our partners more. It’s good for our health and our psyche. How can it be bad for our souls?
      Assholes. *hugs and kisses*

  6. I have a church background…leadership, Pastor, researcher, etc. The lust issue is so misunderstood and has taken me years to get bad doctrine out of my head. Here’s an example of how wrong the church gets things: It’s always taught that King David’s child with Bathsheba died because he lusted after Bathsheba and committed adultery. That’s not it at all. Yes, he lusted after her while he watched her ‘taking a bath’ (and putting on a show for him), but what happened that got him into trouble was that he had Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, killed so he could have her all to himself. The murder was the cause, not the sex and it was a doubled edged sword for David because he deceived and stole another man’s wife (thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not steal). It’s your actions as a result of your lust that should be emphasized. It’s a crazy ass stretch to link that kind of lust with masturbation. I have a lot to say about the terrible understanding of a man spilling his seed, but I won’t hijack your blog.

    • I went to a private Lutheran college, and part of the gen ed requirements was “Judeo-Christian Scriptures.” I took it twice (failed the first time, the only time ever that I failed a class I actually went to… We had 2 grades for the whole semester. The 1st, a mid-term, on all of the history of the old testament. When asked what we needed to know, the prof said “All of it.” The 2nd, a final, was a paper answering the question “According to Judeo-Christian scripture, what and or who is God and why does it matter?”). What I learned in the classes was that the bible is somewhat like statistics. You can make it say whatever you want.
      People take bits and pieces. They take things out of context and manipulate them to match their own thinking, to justify their own beliefs. They miss the fucking point half the damn time!
      *sigh* The sad part is, I think we may be the minority. I fear that many believe the bullshit, feed into the shame.

      • You can make it say whatever you want. Context is everything. God has always been concerned with how we treat each other, not how we touch ourselves.

      • I agree, most people who call themselves Christian miss the point too often. After all, the main idea is love your neighbour as yourself. All the rest, the shame, the hatred, is beyond the point.

        • Dawn, exactly! How about this… Ezekiel says that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was not homosexuality, but that they neglected the widow, the orphan, and the stranger…the three most vulnerable and most likely subject to abuse and poverty of any in the ancient world.

      • I completely agree with Caitlyn on the fact that the bible is a bit like statistics. If you take words out, you can focus on whatever it is you want to point out. I remember when I first came to the USA how I was shocked to realise so many people focused more on “an eye for an eye” than on “love thy neighbour”. Sigh!!

  7. Yeah, i can believe that the entity that came up with sub-atomic physics wants us to be good to each other. I don’t think that he/she/it cares if you rub your self off.

  8. I know very little about very little, but I know this. Female masturbation is wonderful. Whether it is done in private or with your partner, it is wonderful. For that matter, all masturbation can and should be wonderful.
    Thank you Jayne for this link. 🙂

  9. Thank you for a great post. I was like you at first, when I read the first page I thought we were quite in agreement. And then I read page two… How appalling!

    I think that, if God made us the way we are, it’s for us to use the gift given us to the best of our abilities. And that includes sex. Having been married for too long in a, if not sexless, at least unsatisfying relationship, I think I can safely say I’m rediscovering myself through the rediscovery of my body. I’m loving my self-discovery (with a little help from my friend).
    I’m not done with the research yet, but I do agree that it is important for a woman to know what makes her feel good so that she in turn can have more fun with her husband if she/they so wish.
    Two more thoughts on this. Having orgasms has a physiological influence, helping the body balance itself. It’s good for you. I’m writing a post on this at the moment. Hopefully will find the time to finish it soon. Though I may be otherwise engaged in the coming days. So not having orgasms is risking your health. I want to be healthy, whether I have a man in my life or not 🙂
    Here is a link to another article I just read from my FB feed…
    Not entirely scientific in the approach, but I’m sure more research can be done about it 🙂

    • Thanks Dawn, I’m going to check out that link. And you’re so right about the health benefits of masturbation. I know when I’m really stressed out, it’s a huge stress relief, and much healthier than a bottle of vodka!
      *hugs and kisses*

      • Oh yes, much more natural and healtier and cheaper than a bottle of vodka. But it’s also good on other levels (cardio, better immune system, better sleep…). Hopefully I’ll manage to finish that post next week.
        Though there are some things to be said about the benefits of a bottle of vodka 😉

  10. I agree with all of you…this woman, and the organisation views she represents, are nauseating. This is all made up stuff by churches to help them control people’s views and attitudes on ‘morality’. But, lady, we have seen through your ploy! I’m sure she would get the finger from everybody, if they were not otherwise better employed:-)

    I thought it was amusing to see Dawn D’s comment above, having read the post she made a day or two back on exactly this subject from a more personal viewpoint
    That would have had Jordon Monge spinning in her unsatisfied, fearful and neurotic bed:-)

  11. Preach on, sista! I won’t even go read the article because I don’t want to be pissed off. Basically, we’re supposed to be whores for our husbands – and yet have no real libido. WTF?! I can’t imagine the supposed “loving” God that they keep talking about would hand us something like sexual desire and pleasure just so we can deny it. I don’t know what I believe in, but my deity WANTS me to rub one off, thankyouverymuch!

    Oh, and /lick /slurp /kiss (That’s ALL for you LSAM.) XOXO

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  13. I love your blog, thank you for sharing! And for telling like it is!

  14. To masturbate is to be human. Women are intensely sexual and the best way to discover it is by touching yourself. I agree with just about everyone’s comments. One thing that hasn’t been mentioned–sorry to turn all feminist here, it’s so out of fashion–is that there’s a political aspect to the suppression of women’s sexuality. It scares the hell out of the establishment! Women are capable of virtually unlimited orgasms.How ya going to keep wimmen barefoot and pregnant if they figure out they don’t need a man to get off? The irony is that men who DO understand female sexuality (and respect it) get better sex as a result (they learn to last longer, don’t come so fast, concentrate on pleasing their partner and, as a result, get more pleasure themselves).

    • Damn right KC! And that is the truth, if only everyone could figure it out. The more sex, the better the sex. And the better the sex, the more of it. *hugs and kisses* And thanks for the comment!

  15. I’m glad you got a chance to check those articles out. I figured you might have a few things to say about it in counterpoint! 🙂

  16. I think I’m half in love with Dan up there. Yay for devotion to the marriage bed!

    I agree with you on many things. I have a hell of a time taking the time to really enjoy masturbating. There’s a small block in my head I haven’t been able to figure out yet about it (there’s something about getting caught that while hot is also absurdly terrifying, among other unidentified things). I *do* enjoy getting off on my own, getting off while watching Daddy get off or just doing it for Him (there’s a humiliation factor to that I’m not sure about; humiliation isn’t one of my kinks).

    I am blessed to have a man who is willing to learn what it takes to get me off and who manages to get me off simply by sliding his cock into me at just the right moment.

  17. Interesting article indeed. Stay Devoted, have fun, sex is sex

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