So, keep in mind as you read this, that I have no idea how true any of it is.  I am very educated in drug use and addiction (from textbooks, professional trainings, and straws and mirrors), so that stuff is all legit, but the other, well, someday soon I’ll research it, but just don’t have the time tonight and this was on my mind.  Deal with it.  Or don’t.

Anyway, today I was sitting on the back porch and thinking about flying, and not the Delta Air kind.  I was thinking of what it’s like to be in sub-space, how it feels.  It’s not something I can verbalize, even to myself.  Fuck, actually, it’s hard for me to even think of how it feels, if that makes any sense.  I can describe the come-down; the feelings after flying.  It’s calming, sort of peaceful, with very little thought, just feelings of elation.  Contentment.  Like someone could tell me the house was on fire, and I’d be like, “Oh, okay.  That’s good.”  (Sort of how you feel if you take to many benzos…  You just go with the flow, no matter where that flow takes you).

Dopamine Pathways. In the brain, dopamine play...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So this thought process led me to think that the closest thing that I could even come close to comparing flying to was using drugs (more on this in a minute).  And I started thinking about brain chemistry and the VTA (which stands for ventral tegmental area, an area in the midbrain that begins the mesolimbic pathway, and tends to be referred to as the reward circuit) and the release of endorphins increasing the dopamine output in the nucleus accumbens and it’s no fucking wonder I like it so damn much!  (Sorry about all the nerd stuff… but the brain is REALLY fucking cool.)

And then I start thinking about not being able to describe sub-space is kind of like not being able to describe tripping on acid.  You can remember what happened, you can remember what you did (sometimes), but you can’t quite get a clear picture of what you were feeling or where your mind was or what it was like.  And, fuck, to even try to describe tripping to someone who has never dosed, don’t even attempt it.  They will not get it.  But if you have, maybe you can get what I’m saying here.  Well, flying is sort of like that.  I know what happens, I can (sometimes) remember what I did, but I can’t get a clear picture of inside my head, of where I was and what I was feeling, or pull in that memory of what it’s like.  No matter how hard I try, I’m at a loss.

For instance, the strongest experience that I’ve had flying was mentioned the other day in a comment on The Dom Next Door‘s Torn series.  A quick description of the events, as this is not what this post is about.  It was right after (and I mean right after, think Off The Gridtimeframe) M and I started this D/s venture, and it was our first experience with fisting.  We had been playing for hours (and hours).  My ankles were secured together with a pretty pair of panties twisted between them.  M’s fist was fully inserted in my pussy (after a LOT of time getting it there).  His other hand was tight (very tight) around my neck.  I was very close to safewording, the closest I’d ever been.  I was not only in physical sensory overload, but I was fighting my own demons in my head.  Did I truly trust him enough?  Would he take this too far?  Etc, etc, etc.  I was struggling NOT to safeword, when all of a sudden it hit me…  Pure euphoria.  And I was flying.  And crying.  And I don’t even know how long I was gone.  And I say gone, because truly, I was no longer there, I was in some distant pleasure induced space…  Sub-space.

A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back. ...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I can remember it feeling good.  And I can remember coming down.  M’s hand on my cheek (no longer around my throat, but the other was still buried deep in my pussy, because, in case you’ve never been involved in fisting, it’s almost as hard to get out as it is to get in), him talking softly to me.  Telling I was okay.  And, fuck, I KNEW things were okay at that point.  Things were fucking fantastic.  My heart was overjoyed.  I felt wonderful.  There was nothing wrong in the universe.  (Anyone out there ever roll?  Because that is sort of how ecstasy makes you feel…  Absolutely fantastic and happy and every nerve is sending happy, pleasurable impulses to your brain.)

So I can remember all of that, but damn if I can’t get into my head at that moment.  What was I thinking?  What was I feeling, emotionally?  No fucking clue, but I guarantee it was good.  Perhaps I wasn’t thinking.  Perhaps it IS non-thought.  This also happens to me a lot when I cum…  I lose touch for a few moments, but when I’m flying, it’s more than just a few moments.  Sometimes it feels like an eternity.  An endless ocean of endless heights.  (Anyone ever lose themselves, dancing at a Rave, high as a kite, just losing yourself in the moment, the music, the dance?  Yeah, sort of, kind of like that.)

I don’t know.  I’m rolling up on a thousand words, and I don’t really know if I’ve said what I sat down to say.  I don’t think so, but truly, I don’t remember what the original point was.  (Anyone want to sit down and smoke another joint?).  Maybe, the point is that sub-space is almost like a drug.  It gets you high.  Well, let me speak from the “I” standpoint.  When I’m flying, there is no doubt in my mind that I’m high.  I don’t know if it’s the endorphins.  I don’t know if it’s the dopamine.  I don’t know if it’s everything rolled into one.  But, fuck, am I ever high.  And coming down, it, too, is like coming down from some drugs.  Okay, my jaw doesn’t hurt from clenching, unless I’ve had my bit in, and my nose isn’t raw, but sometimes as I cuddle up next to M, I’m twitchy.  Having small uncontrollable movements.  I don’t want to talk, almost can’t talk, which is the what happens when I eat mushrooms.  I want to just Be.  Relish the moment.  (I’ve never done heroin, but I imagine this is the what that moment is like.  I’ve smoked my fair share of opium, and when the high rolls over you, your whole body feels it and relaxes into it, and, well, it’s heaven.)

Anyway, I’m wrapping this up.  Just some random thoughts thrown out there at ya…

And the song of the day…