Struggles with Submission

It seems to me I’ve read a lot about struggling with your submission. Seems rather common.

And there are all sorts of things submissives struggle with. Always feeling like you could do better, that you are not submissive enough. Turning into a brat when things don’t go your way or you want to act out *one of the most common things you’ll find*. Becoming frustrated with things are not going the way you want to, or moving fast enough for you. Trusting in your Dominant. Giving in. The list goes on and on.

Yeah. Well, fuck all that.

I’m not saying this shit doesn’t happen. Actually it happens all the time. It’s the constant battle of submission. And I don’t think it ever truly goes away. You learn, you grow, adapt and change. Both you and your Dom, so these issues ebb and flow during the relationship.

What I find myself struggling with, more than before, is different.

And harder.

Perhaps it’s because we have time under our belt. We have adapted D/s into our relationship in our own way and we’re comfortable where we are. Sometimes we play, sometimes we don’t, but it’s always there, the dynamic between us. And I love it and am grateful for it.

Most days.

Other days, I’m like “fuck you submission, and the Dom you rode in on.”

Some days I find that I don’t want to be submissive. I don’t want to listen and want to take back control and everything else I’ve ever handed over. Some days I just want to say “Fuck off.”

And on these days, I struggle. I struggle to bite my tongue when I want to say something really mean and hit below the belt. I struggle to not fall down and throw a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming until I am exhausted. I struggle to suck it up and go through the motions, do what needs to be done.

But you know what?

I may struggle, but I do them.

Because these are the real struggles of submission. When it gets out of the bedroom and things get real, it’s hard. Sometimes very hard. You will struggle. You will fight: Him, yourself, society and culture, a damn toothbrush it it’s in you way.

But if it is something you want, if submission is something you need, you will struggle, and you will succeed.

19 responses to “Struggles with Submission

  1. Amen. Love this because I live this – and damn that toothbrush! Great post. 🙂

  2. Unfortunately, even in 24/7 dynamics it is sometimes hard to be “on” all the time. And sometimes we get mad at our partners, or sometimes we get mad at life and the world and we just plain *don’t* want to. But in times like those, I try to remember that my submission isn’t just a gift to him, it’s a gift to me, it’s something for myself. A tonic that works on curing the ills of my life. And it *is* a struggle, it is. But at the end of the day, it is worth it to not just your D-type, but for you… it’s worth it for the way it makes you feel.

    Very thoughtful post, love.


    • I vividly remember responding to this, but perhaps WP is just fucking with me. I’ve been thinking about this ever since I read your comment about submission being a gift. I’m hoping to try and pull my thoughts together into a post, but even if I don’t, I want to thank you love, for reminding me of this. For you are very, very right. *hugs and kisses*

  3. When it’s the hardest, is when submission is the most beautiful. Xx

  4. Great post! Can feel both extemes in the same day even! Most days are good…great even….but then…sigh….

  5. On some level, I feel this dynamic is innate. For myself, personally, I don’t see me able to take a formal submissive posture ( and I’m not sure that is the right word). I respect it because of the benefits it gives you and some other women’s blogs I read. What I love is how open you are about your feelings here because it makes you real to me and that makes the differences we may have in life real but better than that, it makes us similar because life just has struggles in all aspects. It makes your dynamic an interesting and beneficial choice for you and it gives me a way to see us ( everyone) as the same. My reasoning sounds counter to what I am feeling from your post but I have a feeling you’ll understand. Thanks for sharing Ms LS&M. You’re awesome.xo, Jayne

    • Perhaps it is innate… I’ve been sitting here thinking about this, and I think it may be so. I can’t say I felt the way I do in any other relationship, never felt the need to submit. And it is a need, so much more than just a want.
      And yes, I understand what you’re saying and I believe that is my ultimate goal as a writer, so thank you very much my dear!
      *hugs and kisses*

  6. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about D/s relationships, but is there ever a time that you (general ‘you’/subs) can just say “Time out”? Ie. real life happens – emergencies, work things, other priorities… Sorry I’m showing my ignorance for the culture – I always thought the D would get it if there was other situations that called for the D/s relationship to be put on hold for a while. ?? (Or I’m totally reading your post all wrong!) 😐

    • All dynamics are different, but I can explain what things are like in our home. We have implemented a D/s power exchange into our marriage. That means that M has control and final say. In most things. I go about my day, go to work, do homework with the kids, etc. I make decisions all the time. Our dynamic does not take away my ability to do so. What it does is put someone in control of the situation. It gives our home an Alpha if you will.

      And remember, there is always a safeword. It doesn’t have to apply just to kinky sex. 😉

      But these situations, the ones described in this post, are not situations that call for that. These are more often about me simply forgetting *read: tired/frustrated/shitty* what it’s about. What it’s about is one for the other. We exchange power, one thing for another. He leads because I follow. I follow because he leads. It is a commitment, on both our parts. And like a marriage, or any commitment for that matter, you don’t get to walk away when things get hard.

      And because you do this, because you get through it, you become stronger, learn yourself better.

      I’m not sure if that makes sense or not, but I hope it does. *hugs and kisses*

  7. Struggle? Hmmm.
    Into D/s about a year; it’s hard. For example: What does a Dom have to do to be worthy enough, kind enough, giving, listening, pay off her debts, pay her taxes, marry her; to be worthy of consent and surrender?
    Truth is I think: you can’t earn love or submission. It is freely given. Or not. “Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love. But most of all, Love.” Moulin Rouge. Oh, and there’s that haunting song: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return.”
    It’s love that makes the 24/7 D/s tough. I’ve seen folks that seem to do Kink and D/s well. Until they fall in love. That’s where the struggle begins.

    Sometimes I think I’m all the Dom. Sometimes I think I will ever be no more than a co-slave to love. Damn. Hate that. Domguy is more fun.

    • Hmm… What makes a man worthy of being a Dom? I don’t think there’s anyone “one” thing. I think it depends on what the situation is and what the relationship dynamic is. It’s like asking what makes a man worth marrying.

      It is given, in my opinion, freely yes, to a man that is trustworthy, considerate, and can work towards the greater good of the relationship.

      For M and me, I think implementing D/s into our marriage helped us to fall back in love again. While we definitely still loved each other at that point, this moved us back into the butterflies and touchy feely stage. Where, almost 2 years into our dynamic, we still are.

      And remember, Dom and sub are like ying and yang. When they are alone, it just doesn’t work right. When they are together, it is something beautiful.

      *hugs and kisses*

  8. Girl.. hello I have missed you… You coming back full time? My Sir just told me that you’re back… I’m trying to catch up… How are things going?
    If you want email me .. Love to hear from you!


  9. Submission by other names:

    In my men’s support group: Earn and Honor rank.

    work: be on time; don’t grumble against the boss.

    in church: the priest ask us Sunday do sing one part and not the other; we didn’t listen; then he later stopped, so kindly repeated his request saying, “Please be obedient in this.” Wow. I did.

    With kids: Respect your father and elders, even if you don’t think they make sense. It’s the right thing to do.

    IRS: Just do it. The forms. The money.

    Sex: Bend dear. We will both benefit in this, no?

    School: Read the book; do the homework, take the test. Do well. Be happy.

    Death: Yes, one day I will not be in charge. At all.
    Obedience and submission is never easy. Thanks for the reminder.

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