So my idea was to do a post on the iVillage 2013 Married Sex Survey but I seem to have gotten all distracted by this specific result and I wanna bitch about it. Don’t worry, I won’t be offended if you don’t read.

Here it is: 79% of married men think their partners are satisfied with their sex life, while only 61% of the woman reported being so. But wait, it’s not done. Only 55% of women think their partners are satisfied, when in reality 79% of the men are cool with their sex life.

Arrgghhh!! This makes me frustrated on so many levels. I’m going to try and organize my thoughts here, so please bear with me…

  • I guess I should just start at the beginning. Women, you need to speak the fuck up! Don’t let your man think it’s all good when it’s not. Don’t fake orgasms and don’t tell him it was fine when you really wanted something more. Obviously, we are not putting off the right vibes if the difference is 18 fucking percent! Even with a +/- 5 percent margin of error, this is still way too high. And yes, I understand that men sometimes don’t hear what we are saying. And yes, I know it’s sometimes hard to say what we want. But come on ladies, this is fucking ridiculous.
  • And ladies, maybe you need to lower your standards a little bit. You husband/boyfriend/lover is not fucking Christian Grey. You want to know why? Because he doesn’t exist. And if you think he does, well honey, you’ve got a lot to learn. Men are not going to always know how to touch you and you’re not always going to see stars when you orgasm. Get in touch with the fact that good sex isn’t always earth-shattering and sometimes, as much as it sucks, you just might not get off. That’s life. That doesn’t mean your sex life is bad.
  • And then, to make matters worse, we underestimate our guys’ enjoyment. Maybe it’s because we’re overly worried about our love handles. Maybe we think he didn’t moan enough when we were sucking his cock. Maybe we think because he doesn’t stare deep into my eyes after he cums, it just wasn’t that good. But girls, your wrong. Guys love sex, and if they keep coming back and wanting more sex, then chances are they enjoy sex with you. Too many of us don’t take the credit we deserve. Gain some confidence and fuck your man like you know he’s going to love it. Believe me, he will.
  • But you might not be sure. You think you’re style sucks and you can’t deep throat and you don’t like to have anal sex until you’ve had a few bottles of wine. That’s okay. Really. Men don’t expect the world from us. I once heard a saying, years ago, that sex is kind of like dinner. Most nights, a normal meal is fine, but it’s also okay to run through the drive-thru once in awhile, and just as important, sometimes you need a fabulous 5 course gourmet meal. For real girls, just look at the numbers. 79% of men are happy with their sex life. Nearly 25% more than we think. *sigh*

I think the where I’m getting stuck the most is that sex is enjoyable. I think guys get this. They know if feels good, they know its fun. Fuck, even bad sex is better than no sex. But us girls… We think too much. We analyze, we rationalize, we obsess over stupid little things. Don’t say you don’t because I’m sure you do. We all do. I do. And because we do this, we get caught up with little things that don’t really matter. And then we think about them. And then we worry about them. And then pretty soon we’ve created an ocean out of what was truly just a mud puddle to begin with.

But ladies, sex is fun. It’s enjoyable. Take it for what it is. If you both collapse, exhausted when it’s over, and there’s a smile on your face, then you know what? The sex was good. Be happy with it.

And a few bits of advice for the men out there, in case you’re still reading.

  • Make sure you tell your girl, at least once in awhile, how good it was. And if dirty talk isn’t your thing, that’s fine. How about the morning after, while you’re moving around the kitchen, you come up behind her, wrap your arms around her waist, lean in and whisper into her ear, “That was great lovin’ last night.” Then give her a quick peck, and maybe a quick slap to the ass and move on with your morning.
  • Listen. I know you think you do, but honestly sometimes you don’t. Sometimes we are going to speak in riddles, which truly does suck for you, but try to see what we’re saying. And if you’re not sure if you got it right, ask her. Ladies, if he asks, don’t become a smart ass and shoot off something snarky and sarcastic. It defeats the fucking purpose and it’s a bitch move.

Thank you, dear reader, for letting me indulge in my little rant. *hugs and kisses*

And remember, take it as it comes…