Questions For You…

Erotic butt

Image via Wikipedia

So…  It’s Valentine’s Day.  And I didn’t get laid.  I just thought that you’d like to know that I didn’t get any.  I’m hoping most of you did.  But this isn’t a “poor me” post.  It’s about you guys.  And I’m sorry.  I’m tired.  I’m sick.  And at this point in the night, my creative juices are lacking.  And I’ve been thinking about this since my experiment yesterday, so I thought I’d bring it up.

Since I started masturbating (around age 12), I have loved orgasms.  I started having sex when I was 14 (almost 15) and I loved sex.  Since that young, I have always made an effort to have sex be a regular part of my life.  And don’t get me wrong, dear reader, I am not the perfect hyper-sexual person.  I have had my dips in libido (damn you Zoloft), I have had my brief dry spells.  But I can tell you that since I’ve been 15, I’ve only had 2 periods of time where I went more than a few weeks without sex.  Once, in 2004 when I was in Germany, but dating M, who was still in the States (although I did make out with a boy with dreamy eyes).  And around the birth of our youngest child, in Oct/Nov 2010.  M had a vasectomy 2 weeks before I gave birth.  He refused to give it up after that until his full “6 weeks” were over.  And although we had sex pretty quick after the first 2 kids, it took us awhile to get back into things after this birth.  I had postpartum and it was a stressful time for both of us, emotionally, financially.

Other than these two periods of time, sex has always been an integral part of my life.  By the time I was 16, I decided that I wanted to become a sex therapist (still haven’t gotten there yet, but I will).  I started reading  books on sex, from erotica to porn, from Kinsey to Freud, from Self Love to The Guide to Getting It On.  I think I probably had the largest sex book collection in the state.  Libraries included.

And because sex became ingrained into my life, I always made sure that I wanted sex.  I understood from an early age that sex breeds more sex.  And the lack of sex leads to less desire for sex.  So, I read erotica.  I masturbate.  I make sex a part of my daily life to keep me aroused and horny.  At this point, it is second nature.  I try to do the same things for M.  I flirt with him.  I touch him.  I hit on him.  I send him dirty texts.  And pictures.  I try to keep things exciting in the bedroom.  (And just so you know, M is not a touchy feely type of guy.  He’s a manly man.  He doesn’t hold hands.  He doesn’t like PDA.  He runs a chainsaw and swings a maul.  And looks fucking sexy as hell doing it.  He has calloused hands and bites his nails.  He’s not overtly sexual to people that know him.  Unlike me.)  If he doesn’t feel like sex, if he’s tired, that’s fine.  I’ll rub one off.  But if it goes more than a few days, I’m calling him out on it.  If it goes a few more days than that, I’m putting my foot down and demanding he fuck me (and believe me, dear reader, I don’t demand much in the bedroom…).  And then we fuck.  Period.  End.  We just do it.

Finally, I’m getting to my point.  We have this weird little blogging community here.  We all apparently like sex, because we write about it everyday.  We read about it everyday in each other’s posts.  I think it is safe to assume that we all have a strong fondness for fucking.  But it seems like many of you are not getting what you want (need?) sexually out of your relationships.  How is that possible?

A BDSM-style collar that buckles in the back. ...

Image via Wikipedisex. 

Okay.  I know that sounds like a dumb question.  And I don’t want to sound contemptuous.  But I don’t understand.  I’m sure you all try to engage in sex.  To “spice things up.”  Why doesn’t it work?

I’m curious.  I don’t think I would find myself in a relationship where I was not sexually fulfilled.  That’s very easy for me to say from where I stand.  I’m not there.  And by no means am I judging anyone.  I completely understand that there is more to a meaningful relationship than sex.  But I think if I was unhappy with my sex life, especially over time, I know that it would damage other aspects of the relationship.  I really don’t think I’d stay.  I would leave.  I don’t know.  I’m interested in your responses, dear reader, whether your sex life is good or bad.  I’d like to know what you think…

If you are willing to share, please do.  If you are willing to share, but don’t want to do it publicly, feel free to email me at lovesexandmarriageblog@gmail.com.

And sorry for so serious of a post.  It feels like it’s out-of-place…

17 responses to “Questions For You…

  1. I am really rather content with my sex life, although I must admit the day passed without anything eventful in that regard. I cannot recall feeling a great sense of dissatisfaction with my sex life, regardless of how often I was engaging in it or how it was occurring. I enjoy pleasing my partner, and when they seem fulfilled, I am contented for a time. If I am still experiencing sexual tension and they do not seem to have a need, I am capable of handling it myself (no pun intended). The only moments I can recall feeling dissatisfied specifically was a few times where I felt I was unable to provide the ecstasy they desired, even if they did not say so. In those moments I felt like I should be more observant or perhaps research tactics for bringing them that pleasure. I have very low expectations, I suppose, in that regard. I am often more pleasured by the giving than the receiving, and perhaps that is because it lends a certain sense of empowerment to me, which I suppose is typical for the male psyche. Some men express it by a desire to control or direct the woman, and I generally feel it more when I am servicing her needs. In questioning, I was once told that she would like for me to be “more forceful” or for me to be “more selfish” even. I have learned to oblige, and I do find pleasure in it, but truly, sex is still magical for me on any level, and I consider it like a lunar eclipse: I appreciate its beauty no matter how often or not it is available. When I can experience it, then I am grateful.

    ~Foster

    • Foster, You’ve reminded me of an article I read sometime in the last few months (if I didn’t have to get ready for work soon, I’d look it up and pass it on, but, alas, time does not allow for that) which stated that when men, much more so than women, fantasize and/or masturbate, they focus on their partner’s pleasure more than their own. I am curious if, as you said, this is due to the male psyche. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy it when M cums. And if he doesn’t, I want it to happen. I’m typically more willing to go on to make it happen than he, or at least his body, is. But there is also all the hype of “men getting women off” much more than “women getting men off.” I think it’s a “given” that men will cum (even though it doesn’t always happen). But women need to be worked on, time taken to make sure in happens… Men are told to “hold off,” “think of baseball,” etc… I’ve never had to try to hold off, hold back an orgasm, unless it was intentional (to cum together, asking permission, etc). Cultural stigma I guess… And I love the lunar eclipse analogy… I may use that sometime! As always, thanks for reading!

      • I have trained myself to hold off for the benefit of my partner, and I do think there is much more in current literature about “how to help a woman climax” than there is for men. I think perhaps part of my approach to sex is dictated by my upbringing and the great amount of respect I was taught to show to women. I was taught to support and care for a lady and do so at my own expense. There are times when I enjoy being the focus and she seems to prefer that, but it took me a while to become comfortable with allowing that and not feeling guilty. I am quite certain that our approach to sex is heavily influenced by our early exposure to the attitudes of our authorities in regard to gender roles. We have our own personal stimulation as well, I’m sure, but I would be interested in statistics or studies which highlight the correlation between the childhood culture and the adult sexual preference

        ~Foster

  2. Dear Lovesexandmarriage,
    I have to say that I am quite satisfied with my sex life with Lola. As the blog points out, if anyone is under-serviced, it is she. I’m an older man (mid-life, let’s say) and in every one of my previous relationships (long-term or short) I’ve always wanted it more than my partner. I could go for it at least once a day, sometimes twice. Then I met Lo. I’m older now, I have a lot of responsibilities, a couple of kids, and I get little sleep. Even with all that aside, she still wants it WAY more frequently than I could ever provide – we’re talking 7,8,9 times a day! I’ve had to change my way of sex to attempt to satisfy her. I frequently will give her what she wants and consciously and intentionally NOT cum myself. I do this in order that I’ll be able to get it up for her later. But my not cumming only makes her want it more. She approaches sex like it’s a battle and if she makes me cum she feels victorious. Honestly, I doubt that I would write so much on the blog if I did cum every time she and I did it. I’d be flat-out exhausted! But, because she’s a wild young thing, I give her what she wants – I mean, she has complete freedom to sleep with other guys or gals. Even so, masturbation is still a daily activity for her – twice in the morning, usually, and a few times at night. Tell me, really, who could keep up with that?

    HH

    • Jesus HH, after reading some of your blog posts, I would say you are a sick puppy if you thought you needed more sex! 🙂 You should check out a book that was recommended to me by fellow blogger Loki Mars, called “The Multi-Orgasmic Male.” I’m still reading it, and I don’t buy in to everything it says, but it discusses sex without ejaculation for men… but still having orgasms. It talks about the “little death” of ejaculation and how it is draining to men. You might find it interesting. As always, thanks for reading!

  3. Reblogged this on mysexlifewithlola.

  4. Great post. I think it’s important for your blog to be ‘serious’ from time to time, because Sex, is a serious subject, as much as it is fun.

    Personally, I am satisfied to an extent but if I have given off any dissatisfaction with my sex life then it’s more down to situations. Me and TGF do not live together, we live in different Cities and whilst I may be unemployed at the moment, she’s not. She works long and hard shifts in a tough industry. We see each other when time and money permits. We have great sex together. I feel like I’ve taught her so much about sex, and it feels great being the master.

    I guess, when I’ve made comments or posts about being unsatisfied, it’s when I’ve not seen her for awhile, or when I have, for one reason or another we didn’t have loads of nookie. Fortunately, she’s off for a week and visiting me…so prepare for some pro-sex rants from me by the end of the month 😉

    The part about you kissing a guy in Germany whilst dating M, made my heart skip a beat. I don’t have major trust issues, but being in a Long Distance Relationship, anyone’s trust is tested. And the fact my GF went to Germany last year for a weekend has made me suspicious. Do Women see a kiss with another guy here or there as ‘nothing’? I’m curious.

    Finally, I agree with your final point, if I was in a relationship where I was sexually satisfied then I would have to end it. Period.

    Loki Mars x

    • Loki, we all go through periods of being unsatisfied, even in a perfect relationship (which, by the way, I don’t claim to have, although I probably come off that way at times…).

      About the Germany thing… I was young. Well, younger than I am now! I was there for over a month. M was very distant with me during the trip (obviously physically, but I mean emotionally), even though I talked to him every day. I don’t think he wanted me to go, but would not have said that and kept the experience from me. But the fact that he would barely engage me in conversation lead me to a lot of mixed emotions… Anyway, this trip to Germany was the first time I was ever just LSAM… not somebody’s friend, somebody’s girlfriend, somebody’s daughter. Just LSAM. My self-esteem was not the best. I didn’t know if I would be liked for just me. But, you know what, I’m a cool girl 🙂 and people liked me just for me! So, this pulling away of M made things so much harder, because for one of the first times, I was comfortable with me. I drank a lot while I was there. A lot. And one night, while outside of Garmish, I was laying on a mountainside, watching the stars, passing a bottle of wine back and forth with the dreamy-eyed boy… And, as we counted falling stars, we ended up kissing. For a while. But I ended it, not letting it go any further than that. A few days later, in Bamburg, I was really drunk — like drank the bar out of wine drunk — and the dreamy-eyed boy had to assist me the 2 miles back to the nunnery where we were staying. We sat out on the steps for awhile. We kissed again. I stopped him after just a moment — shaking my drunken head. “I can’t do this. I want to marry him.” Dreamy-eyed boy understood. We hung out everyday for the rest of the trip. He would hold my hand. 🙂 And he let me sleep on his shoulder the whole way from Frankfurt to New York. But then we hugged in the airport. And that was that. Do I see it as nothing. Now, yes. Then, maybe not. I never told M. It didn’t lead to anything but a little bit of mixed saliva. And it really helped me in the long run. That moment in Bamburg, drunk off my ass, was when I realized I wanted to marry M. That he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And that I was not willing to fuck some boy, halfway around the world, just because I was drunk and he was cute. I don’t know. I’m not justifying it. I’m not minimizing it. But it is what it is. And, unfortunately, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done…

      And I’ll be looking forward to some “pro-sex” blogs!

      As always, Loki, thanks for reading… You know you were the first person to ever comment…

  5. Why doesn’t it work? I’d say that’s simple: we don’t all want the same thing when it comes to sex and we don’t all end up in a relationship because the sex is good. You don’t choose a partner because they’re good at paying the bills and you don’t get out of a relationship because they’re crap with money. Why should sex be different?
    Relationships deal with the whole person. Sex, money, cooking, art, music, friends, intellectual capacity, politics etc etc etc. And you can’t just change who your partner is. You might want to fix them, you might bitch about them, but they are who they are.

    I don’t think I know anyone who is entirely happily married, and I’m not sure it’s natural to be, especially if you have two individuals who know their own identities and are comfortable woth them. And sex is just one part of a relationship, just as a love of shoes might be. A shoe junkie doesn’t necessarily make a bad partner for a die hard barefoot.

    • I get what you’re saying AM. And I agree, but only to an extent. We all have deal breakers. And an incompatible sex drive, I think, would be a deal breaker for me. But, obviously, not for everyone. I don’t think I would actually even get very far into a relationship if the sex wasn’t good… And if my partner really sucked at paying bills and spent all of our money on shoes, I can’t say that I wouldn’t leave then either. 🙂 For me, sex is a big part of who I am. And if my partner didn’t engage in that part of myself with me, then it would lead to other problems. I would be discontent. I would become resentful. And I would probably start looking to get my needs filled outside the relationship. So, in the end, it wouldn’t be just about the sex. Sex would just have been the catalyst.

      And I agree that there is no such thing as a happy marriage. I think it is very hard for two people to stay together. Very hard. It takes work. It takes compromise. It takes biting your tongue and swallowing your pride. I don’t know if I even believe that monogamy is “natural” for humans. But we suck it up and we deal with it. We move forward. We grow. But for me to be able to do that, I’m going to have to be fucked. Hard. A lot.

  6. You can immerse yourself in a subject but never fully excell at it.
    The trick is to keep trying!

  7. Zoloft. I stopped when I saw that. Like millions of others, you and I take (or have taken) an SSRI. I believe that SSRI’s have saved more lives than statins. But the downside is reduced sex drive (in some cases no sex drive). My wife takes Zoloft, too. See if you can guess where I am going with this. So what are those of us on SSRI’s, who still WANT to have a fulfulling sex life, supposed to do?

    • Masturbate. 🙂 I wish I had a good answer for you. I went off them. The lack of sex drive was killing me. I haven’t taken anti-depressants for years, but I recently started Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking. I haven’t actually tried to quit yet, but let me tell you… Wellbutrin has the opposite effect, sexually, of an SSRI. I was out of control for the first month. Out of control. I was mandating that we have sex daily, and still rubbing one down at least three or four times a day. Sometimes twice that. It was ridiculous, even for me. Maybe consider changing the medications…

Leave a Reply