So I was responding to G’s comment on my last post, and it brought up a few good points, so I thought I’d just share it here. Hell, 800+ words is too long for a comment anyway, right?
There are times when I am extremely stressed, spinning in 15 different directions at once, not knowing what to do with myself. When I’m like this, manic-y almost, I get extremely short tempered and bitchy, both with M and the children. A good, solid spanking will knock it out of me. How we’ve come to learn this, I don’t know, but it works. And sometimes I’ll tell him, “I think I need a good spanking” and sometimes I’ll just be a bitch and a brat and try to “earn” a spanking. Yeah, that sometimes backfires in my face. But if I ask for one, it helps. It has to be hard and it has to hurt, no nice, soft flogging that feels more massage-like than beating-like. And, G, I think this is what you were talking about. Just needing something to wake me the fuck up when I’m going crazy with life. So, yeah, I get that.
I don’t really know why it helps. Perhaps it’s simply a release of endorphins. Maybe it’s about getting to shut my mind of for a little bit to let it reset. Or it could be the release of physical stress, like going to the gym or for a long run. I think that it’s a mix of all three. I can’t explain it, I can only say that it works for me.
I’m wondering…if you get to spank him when he messes up? Is this fair? What is fair?
No, I don’t beat him when he fucks up. That doesn’t really fit into our dynamic, and honestly I’m not even interested in doing it. And I imagine your question would be “Well what happens to him if he fucks up?” And that’s a hard one to answer. The fuck ups I’m talking about are typically where I’ve done something with intentional disregard on my part. M doesn’t do that too often. And he has not done it since our dynamic has been in place. He is often more aware and more thoughtful of my feelings and needs than I am of his. I wish I could say it was different, but it’s not. I tend to be self-centered until after the fact. *shrugs*
Is it fair? You’re right when you ask what is fair? It works. For us anyway. That’s what’s important to me. I could give a flying fuck if fair fits into it. *sorry for the alliteration* We have a power exchange, so the scales are not always equal, they often tip one way or another. We’re agreed on the terms of it now, and there is always the option to end it if one of us no longer wants to do it or doesn’t think it’s working. That’s one of the things that’s so great about bdsm, when it stops working, you move on. It wasn’t quite that way for us before. Before we would struggle with each other, so many pissing contests that were absolutely pointless. The power exchange has changed that.
One thing thing to add, that sort of relates. Kind of, maybe… The beatings are more for me than for him I think. It’s something that I need, not something he feels he has to do. I discussed in my comment to Fatal about it being about a level of accountability. I think it has to do with my want to modify certain aspects of my behavior. I often act selfishly, and don’t think of my impact on others until after the fact. I don’t want to be like that. And there are other goals I want to meet, that I often struggle with doing. And if I get away with doing things that are detrimental to those goals, without having to suffer any consequences, I will keep on doing them, even if I know they are self-defeating. Why? Just because I can. Fucked up, I know, but the truth.
When the pain goes away, how does it make the problem that caused it go away?
There are two different situations I’ve talked about, so I’m going to address this question with both of them. Situation 1: When I’m stressed, overwhelmed, etc and need a spanking/beating to snap me out of it. Obviously, no, the problem does not go away. What does go away is my anxiety, stress, extreme reaction to the problem. This allows me to calm down and focus on what needs to be done. It makes me become pro-active instead of reactive.
Situation 2: Punishment. In these situations, there is not necessarily an external “problem.” Sometimes there is a fight between the two of, a heated, long exchange of words. By the time punishment is given, the fight is over and a solution/compromise/agreement of some sort has been reached. What the punishment does is allow us to fully bury it. To move forward and not dwell on the situation. So perhaps yes, in a way, it does make the problem go away.
Is the aftercare as important as the sting?
Sometimes, sometimes not. Depends on my emotional reaction. If I’m silently crying, then yes, the aftercare is important. That typically does not happen unless he’s pushing my limits. Or we are doing some very intense play. That has not occurred (yet?) with being punished. The communication that occurs is very important though.
But I will say it’s not just the sting that is important. The meaning behind the punishment, the purpose it serves in our dynamic, is just as important as the act, if not more so. The specific act of the punishment it arbitrary really. It could be anything, the belt is just what we have chosen. Instead, it is the fact that an unfavorable, unwanted consequence has occurred.
Okay y’all. Hope that was somewhat understandable. If not, please feel free to ask for clarification. And thanks babe, for the inspiration to write this. Giant *hugs and kisses*
So this song doesn’t really have to do with anything, but it’s a great one. And, kind of like this subject, it’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around what’s going on.