More on Punishment: A response to G

So I was responding to G’s comment on my last post, and it brought up a few good points, so I thought I’d just share it here. Hell, 800+ words is too long for a comment anyway, right?

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There are times when I am extremely stressed, spinning in 15 different directions at once, not knowing what to do with myself. When I’m like this, manic-y almost, I get extremely short tempered and bitchy, both with M and the children. A good, solid spanking will knock it out of me. How we’ve come to learn this, I don’t know, but it works. And sometimes I’ll tell him, “I think I need a good spanking” and sometimes I’ll just be a bitch and a brat and try to “earn” a spanking. Yeah, that sometimes backfires in my face. But if I ask for one, it helps. It has to be hard and it has to hurt, no nice, soft flogging that feels more massage-like than beating-like. And, G, I think this is what you were talking about. Just needing something to wake me the fuck up when I’m going crazy with life. So, yeah, I get that.

I don’t really know why it helps. Perhaps it’s simply a release of endorphins. Maybe it’s about getting to shut my mind of for a little bit to let it reset. Or it could be the release of physical stress, like going to the gym or for a long run. I think that it’s a mix of all three. I can’t explain it, I can only say that it works for me.

I’m wondering…if you get to spank him when he messes up? Is this fair? What is fair?

No, I don’t beat him when he fucks up. That doesn’t really fit into our dynamic, and honestly I’m not even interested in doing it. And I imagine your question would be “Well what happens to him if he fucks up?” And that’s a hard one to answer. The fuck ups I’m talking about are typically where I’ve done something with intentional disregard on my part. M doesn’t do that too often. And he has not done it since our dynamic has been in place. He is often more aware and more thoughtful of my feelings and needs than I am of his. I wish I could say it was different, but it’s not. I tend to be self-centered until after the fact. *shrugs*

Is it fair? You’re right when you ask what is fair? It works. For us anyway. That’s what’s important to me. I could give a flying fuck if fair fits into it. *sorry for the alliteration* We have a power exchange, so the scales are not always equal, they often tip one way or another. We’re agreed on the terms of it now, and there is always the option to end it if one of us no longer wants to do it or doesn’t think it’s working. That’s one of the things that’s so great about bdsm, when it stops working, you move on. It wasn’t quite that way for us before. Before we would struggle with each other, so many pissing contests that were absolutely pointless. The power exchange has changed that.

One thing thing to add, that sort of relates. Kind of, maybe… The beatings are more for me than for him I think. It’s something that I need, not something he feels he has to do. I discussed in my comment to Fatal about it being about a level of accountability. I think it has to do with my want to modify certain aspects of my behavior. I often act selfishly, and don’t think of my impact on others until after the fact. I don’t want to be like that. And there are other goals I want to meet, that I often struggle with doing. And if I get away with doing things that are detrimental to those goals, without having to suffer any consequences, I will keep on doing them, even if I know they are self-defeating. Why? Just because I can. Fucked up, I know, but the truth.

When the pain goes away, how does it make the problem that caused it go away?

There are two different situations I’ve talked about, so I’m going to address this question with both of them. Situation 1: When I’m stressed, overwhelmed, etc and need a spanking/beating to snap me out of it. Obviously, no, the problem does not go away. What does go away is my anxiety, stress, extreme reaction to the problem. This allows me to calm down and focus on what needs to be done. It makes me become pro-active instead of reactive.

Situation 2: Punishment. In these situations, there is not necessarily an external “problem.” Sometimes there is a fight between the two of, a heated, long exchange of words. By the time punishment is given, the fight is over and a solution/compromise/agreement of some sort has been reached. What the punishment does is allow us to fully bury it. To move forward and not dwell on the situation. So perhaps yes, in a way, it does make the problem go away.

Is the aftercare as important as the sting?

Sometimes, sometimes not. Depends on my emotional reaction. If I’m silently crying, then yes, the aftercare is important. That typically does not happen unless he’s pushing my limits. Or we are doing some very intense play. That has not occurred (yet?) with being punished. The communication that occurs is very important though.

But I will say it’s not just the sting that is important. The meaning behind the punishment, the purpose it serves in our dynamic, is just as important as the act, if not more so. The specific act of the punishment it arbitrary really. It could be anything, the belt is just what we have chosen. Instead, it is the fact that an unfavorable, unwanted consequence has occurred.

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Okay y’all. Hope that was somewhat understandable. If not, please feel free to ask for clarification. And thanks babe, for the inspiration to write this. Giant *hugs and kisses*

So this song doesn’t really have to do with anything, but it’s a great one. And, kind of like this subject, it’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around what’s going on.

15 responses to “More on Punishment: A response to G

  1. I’m with you 100000%…

  2. You gave the best explanation I’ve heard yet, and some things to chew on. Thank you. We don’t do punishment, but sometimes I feel like I need it. He’s not 100% against it, but for now doesn’t bend that way. Although, the other night he said the grace period is over.

    • We didn’t do it in the beginning, but the more we spill out of the bedroom, the more things like that start appearing. It was honestly not something we actually had a conversation about, as even with a year under our belts, I still struggle to communicate about our dynamic. Take your time. Sometimes what you need ends up manifesting itself when you least expect it! *hugs and kisses*

  3. Interesting. I’m obviously not in a dynamic like that, but find the pleasure/punishment aspects of spanking interesting. Having been spanked as a child I understand how the punishment aspects works on some levels. It’s a behavioral deterrent. You actually explained how I imagine this would work in a D/s relationship where arguments were involved. It would be the ideal way to resolve issues (when the punishment isn’t meted out in the heat of anger and discussion was had after. Similar again to how it was used when I was a kid). And this comment turned into a long one on my part… Great song though!

    • Thanks, I love that song! Probably one of my favorite one hit wonders ever.

      And I enjoy spankings, particularly when it’s NOT punishment. And M enjoys giving them. It’s probably one of our favorite bedroom activities! xoxo

  4. Pingback: More on Punishment: A response to G | Loosing Control

  5. I’m so glad you wrote this. I’ve been writing something along similar lines – something that I thought was a bit too raw to actually publish, but I think I’ll publish it with a link to this page for an explanation.

    • Thanks HH. Was actually a little concerned with the post before this one, which kind of spawned this post… Thought there might be some major backlash, but it hasn’t seemed to appear yet! Can’t wait to read yours! xoxo

  6. Fascinating. And confusing.
    I can see how a beating gives both of you closure when you have been in the wrong or have got stuck in a destructive loop. You have previously blogged a few instances of this.
    But what help is it when you believe that M is in the wrong? Even when your argument with him has ground to a resolution but you are still convinced he is wrong. Surely, getting the belt just increases that feeling of ‘wrong’ and does not resolve anything? Worse, it makes you less willing to properly argue your position with M because he always has the belt hand, although he does not use it to ‘win’ an argument. Why should it just be you that gets the belt? What if he messes up, and concedes he has done so?

    My reading of G’s question is that she is unhappy with something or other from her husband. How will a belt solve or improve that situation? Or are you suggesting that self-sacrifice to receive a hot arse will get both of them jump-started to a solution? Or maybe it would be a very bad idea in this instance?

    • Hi Buddy! Hmmm… We haven’t come across that situation yet, so not exactly sure how it would be handled. I don’t think we’d pursue the punishment if we weren’t on par with each otherr regarding what happened. And while M has the “belt” hand, you must remember that it is ME who wants it, feels the need for this to be able to move on.

      And Nick, M very rarely concedes to anything, especially being wrong! haha But if he messes up, all I want/need is an apology, nothing more.

      As far as G’s question, I’d suggest you go back to the last post, “The Purpose of Punshisment” and read her comment. She has found herself in a similiar position as my bitchy/bratty moments. She’s not looking for the belt, or even punishment, but more a way to get over what she called the “negative cloud.” A spanking does not fix the problem, but is a way, for me at least, to be able to let go of whatever it is that makes me crazier than I already am. So a nice rough spanking (not the belt) improves my state of mind and gives me the opportunity to see the problem with a clear mind. Don’t know if that really answered your question or not…

      A quick note… Hard spankings seem to be a stress releif for both M and I. I’ve explained my thought process here. And there have been times when M is stessed, that I’ve offered up my body to him, to let him take his frustrations out on it, even if it has nothing to do with us. He has yet to take me up on that offer, but it’s there. Because in that circumstance, a little bit of pain on my end is well worth the release he would feel on his. xoxo

  7. Longest comment ever, hope it works:

    Last night, to my great surprise, my husband gave me a little whipping with a dowel he found in the bedroom. A piece to the kid’s toy of some sort, probably in an (extended) time out for misuse, now in my husband’s hands, now under is control.

    When I walked into the bedroom it was an interesting sight to see him smacking it against his hand, as if to say, “this ought to be hard enough.” Further made interesting by the comment thread and this response post from last night. I feared he had read my thoughts on your blog, found somehow. Why that evoked fear, I don’t know (or I suppose that is the point of a whole other blog post). As husband and wife, we should feel totally free to communicate, especially about our needs as a person.

    Automatically I swayed my hips more as I walked toward him holding the rod with a devious grin. It was like I was drawn to it, physically pulled to him/it with such curiosity. My attention was centered; I felt lighter as the weight of my world fell off my shoulders, if only for a moment. My ass wanted it, I postured as he ran the natural wood up and down my ass and thighs. I wanted to feel it sting me and face that fear of pain, I shivered and jutted my ass out. He gave me a few quick smacks on each cheek. It felt semi-cathartic, not too painful. I could take it harder. I couldn’t ask.

    He pushed me to the bed, I kneeled as I reached my hands in front of me to pull my long lines tighter. A pretty pose I thought, my body must resemble an inverted heart. I don’t know if you have a usual position; but I think my inclination was to poke my ass up to expose the fleshiest part to him, invitation to explore the rod more. Right there for his taking. A few more whips later and I felt him penetrate my pussy. I was most definitely wet; ready, not so much. It wasn’t long before he made me cum, he just knows how to trigger the waves. He touches on all the right places.

    Afterward, he said it was nice to feel a little control for once. Seriously.

    ***

    So here is what I learned:

    Pain does make my fog sort of clear. I feel like the intense focus, maybe what used to come with making myself orgasm in the beginning, it takes your mind far away. Then the endorphins, excitement of novelty, the giving in to fear it all just feels good. It feels like progress or growth, or perhaps like you said, a conclusion.

    But to explore the issue of what feels good about spanking is really besides the point for me. The issue of whether I want or would enjoy his control, further control, is also important for me to ponder. I also got really turned on, mentally and physically, by the the Domme post that Hyacinth just published. Either way, the fact that I can’t communicate the need or want to explore these things with my husband remains. My exploration of kinks on my own just drives a deeper wedge between us, if only in my mind.

    I am thankful to have blogs like yours to allow me to lightly dabble or explore, as I work out my internal incongruities. I look forward to further posts on this subject, and I will be honest I previously avoided reading anything too D/s because I knew it might set off a few fireworks in my head (take that as a good and a bad thing.)

    • Hey G. Not ignoring this, just haven’t had time to write out my response! Damn time management skills! Hopefully tomorrow! xoxo

      • No problem at all. It was fun and cathartic just writing it.

      • First off, shit, fuck, damn, that story was hot as hell!

        And what it comes down to is that it’s a learning curve, no matter what you’re doing. I still can’t talk about my wants and needs and it’s stupid as fuck and I know that, but I just can’t seem to get past it at times. I’ve been reading, trying to come up with an avenue that would make it easier, but I’m just not there yet.

        My advice. Play. When you want and as often as you want!

        *hugs and kisses* G!

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