Mindful Sex

As I mentioned in my last Stealing Sunday post, I’ve been trying to work on meditation.  It doesn’t

Lord Mahaveer

Image via Wikipedia

seem to be working too well for me, as I’m more scatter-brained then normal (stupid fucking March, 16 days left and still no house) and tend to run in 10 different directions at once.  But I need something to help ground me.  Help me keep my mind and spirit focused on what’s important, not just the chaos that is my life.  Meditation (or at least my attempt at such) and masturbation have become the cornerstones of my sanity.

Not only has the evil month of March made me a crazed, stressed out, masturbating fool, it seems to have sucked much of the creative juices out of my mind (but don’t worry, it hasn’t touched the juices in my loins).  So I started to browse my stock pile of “blog ideas” under favorites, and I stumbled across 13 Ways to Have More Mindful Sex.

So it seemed to be the perfect fit.  Sex and mindfulness.  Seems to be just what the doctor ordered…

The article focused way more on the fundamentals of meditation than on sex, but still had some decent information.  I’m elaborating a little more then it did, putting my own little spin on things.


“The idea is to train your brain to stop rushing through life and start actually living in it.”  This is the basic idea of meditation.  Focus on the here and now, be in the moment.  Don’t let the background noise of life blur out the present.  This is easier said than done.  But, as in everything in life, practice,while it doesn’t always make perfect, at least makes it possible.  Start slow, but aim for a goal of 20 minutes a day.  When your mind wonders (and if you are anything like me, it will, hell, I can’t focus for more than 5 minutes, if I’m lucky), refocus and just bring it back.  I could talk about meditation for 10,000+ words, but that’s not exactly what this is about, so I’m wrapping it up here.  There are a ton of resources out there, in print, on-line, in person.  If you’re interested, seek it out.


As with anything dealing with meditation, it helps if you focus on your breathing.  I would say that it is almost necessary, but I do not know that for sure.  I know for me it is.  It allows me to focus on that instead of the 372 other things running through my head, if only for a minute or two.  And I simply focus on my breathing.  It becomes my focal point.  I don’t know if this will make sense to anyone other than me, but I “follow” the air.  In through my nose.  My lungs expand.  Back up and out.  Not only does this occupy the mind, but it also makes you more aware of your body and it’s reactions.  Which brings us around to how to utilize all this into your sex life…

Body Awareness

One of the first things you much accomplish (or attempt to) to bring mindfulness into your sex life is to become aware of your body.  Because to be aware during sex, you need to be aware of your body.  You can start working on this by taking time each day (or every few days or weeks or whatever you have time for) to focus on different parts of your body.  Narrow in on certain spots (both erotic and non, because let’s face it, skin is skin and feels fucking fantastic whether it’s on your breast or behind your knee).  So focus on different areas, how do they feel, what sensations do they produce.

You can do this in your day-to-day-running-around moments as well.  How do your sheets feel when you slip into bed?  Or the hot water running down your back in the shower?  What about the feeling in your hand when your run it along a cashmere sweater?  Take these small every day experiences and focus on sensation.  After all, what do you have to lose?

And When It Comes To Sex

First, take all the shit out of your bedroom.  The tv, the radio, the computer.  Your bedroom is for sex and sleep.  Period end.  Turn off your cell phone, your iPad, the PS3.  Whatever toy you’re playing with (well…  maybe not every toy…), remove it.  The distractions need to be gone.  Because you’re trying to focus on each other and your bodies and sex.  And when your phone vibrates with a new message, it will draw your attention.  Believe me, it can wait for an hour.  Or 3.

When you are fucking, focus on the moment.  The here.  The now.  You, him, her, them, whoever it is.  Don’t start worrying about what you look like or where it’s going.  Don’t worry about your orgasm.  Just be in the moment.  Feel.  Experience.  Isn’t that what it’s all about anyway?

And if you notice your mind drifting during sex, use the refocusing mentioned above.  If you suddenly realize that he’s pounding into you and you’re focused on the report laying on your desk at work, or the extra 5 pounds you put on over the winter, simply bring your mind back to the moment.  The more you do this during meditation, the easier it will become during other moments in your life, like when the headboard is banging against the wall.  Bring your mind back to the sensations of your body, your skin, your sex.  What her nails feel like running down your back.  The feel of his tongue on your clit.  His cock sliding in and out of your warm, wet pussy…  You get the picture.

And remember, practice makes for some fun fucking.

32 responses to “Mindful Sex

  1. Mmmmm……masturbation…..thinking of watching you masturbate…..uh oh.

  2. Bedrooms are for sleep and sex. Testify!

  3. While my marchness situation has none of the urgency that trying to find a home on short notice has I have a love hate with march every march every year. It is my fiscal year end which means file archiving new set ups for next year reconciling all purchases. This is only comnpounded by what is refered to as March Madness when you have to spend the remainder of your budget before April 1. I won’t say how much money I MUST spend in the next two weeks but if its not min 1k its not worth my time. Plus we are in a huge maintenence period and daily requirements for material and equipment need immediate action. Plus I am considering taking on a new project so to speak. Its in the negotiation fact gathering stage 🙂
    One of the details I looked into was a recent reading list. When I looked at the authors web site there was a huge list of accomplishments including Tantric Instructor. I just had to pause for a min because I am at a loss for words(none fit to print). The comparison between this new age sexual freak ride and what Tantra encompasses as a whole compares to the flavor of instant coffee served from a empty bean can to fresh roasted chilian mountain beans hand ground before they cool from the roaster “can you say Dbl Americano with me folks” Tantra is not a sex practice to be learned from a self proclaimed qualified instructor. Tantra is a more than 2500 year old tradition passed down through Meditation Masters encompassing the entire spectrum of existence from smaller than the smallest of the known substances to the unimaginable breath of the galaxy. That a quantum physicist can sit with a buddhist lama ( who was likely born in a mud hut) and have a meaningful conversation about reality speaks to the depth of realization that true awareness encompases.


    The idea that Mindfullness enhances sex is not a new concept hindu and buddhist masters have used consorts for thousands of years to channel sexual energy into primordal bliss. The truth is that mindfulness makes everything better from the taste of your morning coffee to the sensation of your lovers breath caressing your ear.

    Well said LSAM Namaste _/_


    • Cruel. First, let me say that I hope you find your new project… fulfilling. Here’s me, assuming it’s something dark and kinky! But if it’s not, don’t let me know. A girl needs her fantasies after all…

      I have read a few books over the last 15 years which were focused on Tantra and Tantric sex. But not one even come close to what it is actually about. Everyone has left me with a desire for something more comprehensive, as Tantra is about so much more than multiple orgasms. The best one I’ve read (and the only one I’ve kept) is focused on “sex magic” but it becomes so new-age-ish that it is sometimes hard to take from a serious, academic perspective (and it’s packed up already, so I don’t even know what it’s called off hand, as it’s been well over 10 years since I read it). I know and use a few tantric “exercises,” for lack of a better term, which have helped me to control my squirting (Thanks Hy for that advice), but have always wanted to know more…

      Anyway. A bit serious for me this morning, as I am still on my first cup of coffee. And thank you, Cruel, as I am less than a novice at this subject and the layout of the post was different than what I anticipated. After writing, I questioned if I should even publish, so it means a lot, coming from you particularly, that it made sense…


  4. Hey, when Lo and I were at a Buddhist monastery and doing sitting meditation, she was actually able to make herself cum while sitting in the lotus position. See the post, “A Red Rose in the Land of White Lotuses.”


    • That doesn’t surprise me, HH, especially with Lo. I would imagine that she is very aware of her body and it’s sensations… And I’ll definitely check out this post tonight, as I am now running late for work!

      As always, thanks for commenting!

  5. Gillian Colbert

    Interesting … I’m going to have to do some reading…

  6. Along similar lines, I’m looking forward to Barbara Carellas’ new book “Ecstasy is Necessary,” her followup to the supremely approachable “Urban Tantra.” As a person who flunked meditation, is an atheist, and is decidely non-woo, the fact that I liked Urban Tantra prolly means anybody can read it. Even cynical New Yorkers and Jersey expats.

  7. So I don’t know if you yoga, but when you just focus on the poses it’s highly meditative. There are some poses you can’t do unless you get out of your head space. Also, it makes it waaaaaaaay easier to meditate afterwards 🙂

    • The only yoga I do is P90X, which I’m sure doesn’t count, because it fucking kicks my ass! Maybe I should start, because I think I’d be able to focus more, or perhaps be forced to focus, than with meditation… Thanks Mr. M!!

  8. If only life were so simple. 😉

  9. Pingback: One-Hit Wonders « Love Sex and Marriage

  10. Pingback: 9 Weeks: Week 6 « Love Sex and Marriage

Leave a Reply