Where I Find Myself In a Weird Place

Hello.

Here, I call myself Caitlyn McConnell, although I assume most of you must realize that’s not who I really am, merely just a small piece of the real me.

I find myself in a weird place here, where I once felt more me than anywhere else. A place that feels vaguely familiar, yet intrinsically different.

I can’t pinpoint what it is. Hell, I wish that I could. But what once drew me in and absorbed me, my quirks, my kinks, my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and more, now feels apart from me. A place among strangers. Names and faces I recognize, some that I love dearly, but space, time, and distance have eroded those connections.

I’ve always had difficulty with change–don’t we all really–and I’ve continually struggled to adapt here as the tides ebbed and flowed, but I don’t believe I have. I still hold on to what once was, a brief episode in a small moment in time when a group of people found themselves in a similar situation, needing support from one another. And so many of those people are gone now. The latest, Rori. And my dear Fatal. Moved on. New experiences. Love Blooms. Hearts break. Life changes. Relationships come and go. I cried when I read her final post. For her. For me. For what was, what is, what will be, and what can never be.

I still write. Every day. Just not here. I think about it. Often. But the muse rarely pushes me in this direction. Back to where I started. And it makes me wonder, is it time to move on? New opportunities have arose, I’m teaching about writing and writing about sex. As the real me. Does that mean it’s time for me hang up the towel here? Move on? Grow up? Be out in the open about who I am and what I do? Stay here? Clean it up? Take my tits out of the picture?

But what is LSAM without tits? Without personality? Yet what is it now? An empty shell? A scrapbook of words and stories from a not-so-distant past? The spinster hanging on to what was and refusing to be a part of what is?

Fuck if I know. I just know that how it is now is not okay. What doesn’t build you up, holds you down.

I need to have a direction to go, or I remain lost.

Or maybe I’m just drunk.

Only time will tell.

17 responses to “Where I Find Myself In a Weird Place

  1. It was a pretty damn special moment in time wasn’t it?

    • Right? In hindsight, it seems magical. Disconnected from reality. I think my problem is I want that recreated, instead of simply appreciating it for what it was and moving on. Idk. I am so glad to have been a part of it, but so sad that we will never come together again in such a way. I love you dear Marian. xoxo, always.

      • I think of it this way. At least in my case I was in a much greater state of need and pain back then. And that group helped to heal me. Yes. The group is gone. But it did what it was meant to. But don’t get me wrong. I still miss it lots too.

        • Huh. Well, that’s very insightful Miss Green, and oh so very true. For so many of us I think. Me… I was simply lost. Not unhappy, but lost. And it gave me purpose. Drive. Hell, it got me writing and now that’s what I do and who I am. I think you just may have healed a little of my heart, Marian. Thank you. Mwah.

  2. I know what you mean. Lola and I don’t post as often as we used to, and a big part of that has to do with the disintegration of the “community” that briefly came together (pun intended) back in 2011-12. Hy is still doing a great job of keeping her blog connected. But other than that – and especially the loss of Fatal – Gillian goes without saying, right? – things have not felt the same for a while.

    • Fatal’s exit broke my heart.

      And I understand that community evolves from effort and connections, but I don’t seem it have it in me. Hy does, like you said. And so does Kayla. But me… I think I need a change. I’m really thinking of going public with a sex blog… I’ve got a book coming out in a few months, and now that I write full-time, I think about blogging differently. I need a different approach. Idk. I’m brainstorming. Hope all is well with both you and Lo. Mwah!!

  3. I’m sad. I’ve felt the shift and maybe that’s why I don’t try as hard to post anymore. I was devastated when fatal said she was leaving because I feel so much when I read her. I’d hate to see you fade out too but I get it. I’ve been blogging too long to quit, but this particular community ain’t what it used to be. Hugs to you

    • I miss you, Cara. One of the last handful of bloggers who I would call a friend without a second thought. Fatal’s words always spoke directly to my heart. They’d rip at my soul. Like she was in my head. The day she left was a sad day, that’s for sure.

      If I’m not blogging here, I’ll still be doing it somewhere. And I’ll be sure to let you know where that is. 🙂

      Fuck. I’m probably not going anywhere. Just going to let LSAM sit here and fester. Less than one post a month. Wasting internet space. And *hugs* to you as well, my dear.

  4. What a bunch of special people you are!
    You are right, back then was magical. You all still hold that magic, even though others have fallen by the wayside or been called away to a (hopefully) better life.
    I still wonder about many that no longer post, no longer show up. I wish them all well.
    I just hope that you guys never give up totally, even though 2011 and 2012 is a long way back and a lot of changes have happened for all of us since. That time certainly changed me; hopefully for the better.

  5. I encourage you to write and publish. The blog satisfied your need at the time and was built into a large community that has changed quite a bit. You need the time and passion to write and with it comes the question where do I publish. Certainly here it takes much to get a large audience, but it is a supportive audience. I am sure you will find the venue to move forward and come back here as you feel a need to touch base.

    • Thanks Foster. You’re right. And I do still write. And publish (I’m a full-time freelance writer now). I think my biggest issue is I’m just floating around in a kinky corner of cyberspace, and I’ve got nothing to anchor me down. I’m working on creating an anchor. If it holds me here, I’ll stay. If it doesn’t… Well, we’ll see where the winds take me.
      Always grateful for insight. *hugsandkisses*

  6. Pingback: All Over the Place with Caitlyn McConnell: 3/6/2016

  7. I know I’m late to this party – both in commenting but also because I didn’t start blogging consistently until 2014, but I will say two things. First, it’s nice to see you back here and I will read your words, even if infrequent. Second, I’ve heard before the lament of loss of community from those of you who started blogging around the same time, and it’s had me thinking about the natural ebb and flow of bloggers.

    I think it’s natural for us to find a community when we start blogging as we actively seek out others to read and interact with, and we deliberately make connections. At a certain point in time, I suspect our outreach diminishes – perhaps as we get busy with writing and also when we have gathered “enough” people to feel we have a community. So we create a cohort which cycles the same way through blogging.

    As you say, I’ve noticed that many people blog for a specific reason, and once that reason diminishes the blogs can languish. It’s hard to transition to writing / posting when the core reason we start has changed.

    All that to say, I think its natural to mourn the loss of your cohort – but the broader community still exists. I feel connected and supported and part of a lovely group of people. And would be pleased to have you around for as long as you want 🙂

    Ann
    xo

    • All very, very true Ann. And I think there were a lot of us in that initial group that lasted a good six months or more, which in the world of beginning bloggers is eons. Hell, many of us are still around in one form or another. And as you know, blogging is a commitment. It takes time. Effort. Dedication. Most who start, stop. And I know there’s a great community out there now. There always is.
      But here’s my glitch.
      I over care. And the first round, I got hurt. Perhaps put people I love in danger. I think not, but that’s what I’m told. So now I’m guarded. Scared maybe. I don’t know. I recently went through the whole blog, all four years of it, and so many people have come and gone, that some part of me cared about, would in some way called that person friend, and suddenly, they’re gone. And that’s one of the double-sided swords that is blogging, and perhaps sex blogging in particular. I’m rambling. Not sure if my thought process is clear, even to me.
      But at the base of it, it’s me, not the community. It’s my lack of commitment, my fear of making and losing friends, my walls of personal protection. So I’ve made a commitment of really doing it the way it should be done, and than examining my feelings on what to do. *shrugs* We’ll see.
      I always appreciate your support and insight, so thank you my dear. *hugsandkisses*

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