Flogger 02

Flogger 02 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone off on LSAM.  And I mean truly gone off and freaked out and ranted and raved about something I’ve read.  Months, at least.  And honesty, I wasn’t even going to write tonight, I was simply going to do a meme, as I’m tired as shit, it’s been a long Monday, which followed a long, sore weekend **good and bad sore.  After Friday night, M had me where I was sore both on my pussy and my ass, and then too much alcohol and Ritalin, accompanied by a 5 am bedtime, left me with a very sore head and attitude**.  But then this article stumbled across my feet, and my filter was removed, and know I’m spilling it onto you my dear readers.  You’ve been warned.  Rant approaching.

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E-Harmony published this article, “Men’s Ten Biggest Complaints About Women,” on their dating advice column.  And you know what, I’ll give it to them, some of them are true.  But none-the-less, I’ve got to respond, as it is physically impossible for me to keep my mouth shut or my fingers still at this point.

Without further ado, your biggest complaints gentlemen…

1.  You see us as projects you can fix.

  • Ok…  this is going to sound really bitchy, but the fact is we do.  Because you are.  And it’s not that you necessarily need fixed, because you don’t, but it’s what we do.  Like if my car has a rattle, you know what I do?  I ignore it.  But the first time M is in my car, he’s turning down the radio, listening intently, deciphering the different sounds of metal on metal.  He’ll tinker until he finds what’s wrong, and then he’ll fix it.  It’s just what he does.  Well, we are the same in a way.  We’ll pry and nose around, until we find something that needs to be fixed.  Maybe you have a sister who you don’t talk to anymore.  Well, we’ll fix that.  Give me her number.  Maybe your couch is from your great-grandmother’s basement, circa 1975.  Yep, we’ll fix that one too.  Sometimes, boys, you need to be fixed (come on, the couch can go).  But sometimes  you don’t (maybe there’s a reason you don’t talk to the crazy bitch).  But the fact remains, we are going to try to fix it, whatever it is that we think we can make better.  Because that what it comes down to.  We want you to excel.  We want you to be happy.  We want don’t want to be psycho bitches, and freak out at unnecessary times, so we try to “fix” those little things that lead us to banchee-like behavior.

2.  Your expectations are set by Hollywood, and sky-high.

  • Yep, and no argument from me there.  But the sad part is, it’s not only Hollywood.  It’s Disney, and fairy tales, and happily ever afters.  It’s romance novels and men who can read your mind, last all night, and find your clit in the dark after 3 bottles of wine.  We are fed this bullshit about “Prince Charming” and led to believe that it is true, when it is not.  I have a dark prince, and I love him with all of my being, but it took me a long time to realize that no man is going to be able to read my mind, and that if  I want him to get me off, it’s my place to show him.  “Perfect” doesn’t exist.  And you know what, I’m no fucking Cinderella or Chasey Lane either, so it works out.  My advice?  Find someone you can talk to, even when you’re angry.  Find someone you can tolerate, even when you are super pissed off because they just washed your favorite cashmere sweater, with the towels, in hot water.  Find this person, and you’ve got it made.

3.  You’re always looking down the road.

  • Well, we do have a biological clock gentlemen.  And really, many of us don’t want to be this way, but there is more pressure put on us to reach certain milestones, like we’re learning to walk.  Graduate college by 22, career at 25, marriage 28, etc, etc, etc.  Ask any new bride how many times in the first 6 months after marriage she was asked when she was going to start having kids.  There is always pressure for the next thing.  You must plan, you must be ready, you must keep moving.  It’s all part of the alpha female thing.  I don’t know.  It’s fucked up, and most of us wish it wasn’t that way.  But the fact remains, if we weren’t planning ahead, “looking down the road,” and we left it up to you guys…  Well, we might as well pull up a chair and take a seat, because we might still be in this same spot ten years from now.  Maybe not, but most women aren’t going to risk that.

4.  You use your emotions as a weapon.

  • Well of course we fucking do.  What the hell do you expect?  For us to keep all that shit inside!  Are you nuts?!  Most girls don’t cry on purpose, and if they do, they’re assholes.  I do not cry to play the trump card, believe me.  I hate crying in front of M, and it often makes me feel like I’m acting like a baby or that I’m weak.  And if it’s hormonal, it’s even worse, because I know I’m acting crazy (you should have seen me when I was pregnant—NUTTY!), but the emotions just pour out of me.  So, guys, keep in mind that we are emotional beings.  You are not (and if you are, chances are we think you are a pushover and/or a momma’s boy).  Therefore, it makes us seem even crazier.  But it is what it is.  Don’t fight it, it’s kind of like trying to swim against the tide.  Instead, embrace it.  Give us a hug, change your tone, reassure us in whatever it is that made us emotional.  And then back the hell out of there and go play in the sand or something, before you get pulled right back in.

5.  You have a tendency to be critical.

  • Hmm…  I don’t have an excuse for this one.  Except that some women feel we are being pulled in 196 directions at once.  We are mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives, co-workers, girl scout leaders, soccer moms, and on the mother-fucking PTA.  We get up at 6, get the kids off to school, get ready for work, work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner, run to baseball practice, back home for bath, then homework, kids to bed.  And then throw a load of laundry right before you run to the grocery store because you’re out of coffee and don’t want to behead one of your kids the next morning.  And, through all that, we are expected to keep our legs shaved, lipstick fresh, and want to suck your cock before bed (*yummy*).  Give me a fucking break.  It’s hard work.  And I’m lucky; M’s fucking fantastic.  He cooks most nights, helps with the kids, and lets me sleep in on weekends.  There isn’t much more I could ask for.  But understand, we have this June Cleaver ideal that we were raised with.  We need to do it all.  We need to be all these things.  We need to be the mom with her hair still looking nice at the end of a 5 hour birthday party.  The wife that has the great dip during poker night.  We want the promotion.  We want a sparkling house and god-fucking-damn it, why do you need to lay down and take a nap every night after dinner!  You see, it’s not so much about you, it truly is mostly about us.  And our craziness.  And that thought process of what we think we need to be spilling out onto you.  Don’t worry too much about it.  If it becomes a true issue, believe me, you’ll know.

6.  You like to play coy.

  • Shut the fuck up.  You like it when we play coy.  And I’m not saying mind games, but I truly believe that many men like a little cat and mouse.  Afterall, isn’t the enjoyment in the hunt?  But fuck, I’m not really coy.  I flat out tell it how it is, because I don’t like games.  But we never want to come off as desperate.  And let me tell you, I don’t know how easy it is to be in your thirties (or twenties or forties) and find a single, good-looking guy who has it all together.  So when we find you, we are sometimes a little… eager, and don’t want to come off that way.  So what do we do, we play coy…  Instead of letting you know that we checked the phone every five minutes all day, waiting for you to call.  And canceled our plans for Friday night, just in case.  And that we are going to name our first son Bruce.  Believe me, coy is always better than crazy!

7.  You fixate on what we’re thinking, when you should be watching what we’re doing.

  • Ummm…  maybe you should think a little more and do a little less.  That thought ever cross your mind?  And the fact is, you are confusing as hell sometimes, so we need to ask questions about what you’re thinking because you don’t fucking open up about it.  How about you tell us what’s on your mind, even if it is wondering what color underwear She-Ra wore.  How about you share what’s going on in that head of yours, because, guess what guys, we can’t read minds either.  And whatever your thinking (unless you’re a douche bag), it’s not going to be worse than what we think you are thinking.  We think you are thinking of fucking the neighbor down the street who sits at her pool in her string bikini (if you are thinking that, lie).  We think you are thinking that I look fat in these jeans and my hair is all frizzy, when really, you are probably simply thinking, “football.”  Tell us, it doesn’t have to be much, but sooth us by knowing that it’s not some horrible deep dark secret…

8.  You don’t understand and/or like our need for alone time.

  • This is a hard one for me, because I’ve been this girl, and I struggle not to be anymore (but M, if you are reading, always call when you’re not coming home, its common curtsy…  And return at least SOME of my texts, that cuts down on the bitchiness).  This, gentlemen, is simply about our insecurities.  We do understand.  Fuck, you don’t think we want time out with the girls.  But we just worry, because you always hear the horror stories (fuck, anyone watch The Hangover).  And you know what, you’re a great catch, and you’re pretty fucking hot, so we worry that some chick with fake boobs and a golden tan is going to come over and try to take you from us.  And we are not there to stand our ground and cat-fight the bitch.  So, that’s where this issue comes from.  Not an excuse, but simply an explanation.

9.  You have a complicated set of double standards.

BDSM

BDSM (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • Don’t we all?  That’s why I’m in a D/s relationship.  Because much of this has disappeared from M and I’s dynamic.  We both know what to expect from one another, and if it doesn’t happen, then it’s discussed and we implement strategies to fix the problem and move forward.  I think much of the double standards that women set are simply because there is little communication about what they need/want and they don’t know how to ask/receive it.  For instance…  we all say we want a man in touch with his emotions, or his feminine side.  But when he is, he’s chastised for being “girly” or a mommy’s boy or some other thing.  Some of the time, we don’t know what we want or need guys.  So it’s not always double standards, but more of mixed messages I think.  Because we don’t know.  What we are told we are supposed to want often times contradicts what it is we actually need.  Again, that’s why I have my Sir.  He often knows my needs better than I do, and can get to those wants that I’m afraid to say I want…  Mmmm.  Sorry, got distracted on a lovely little thought there.

10.  You want us to change, and then lose respect for us when we do.

  • Again, that’s because we don’t know what we want.  We think we want one thing, but then when we get it, it’s not done quite right and we can’t send it back again.  And, really, don’t you know that we run at the mouth a lot?  We may say things, but we don’t want you to do everything we say.  A pushover is never hot.  Not ever.  Not even in a sub, I’d venture to say.  Have a backbone, grow a set of balls, and stand up for yourself.  That’s what I want.  And you know what, sometimes, karma’s a bitch, so be careful what you ask for ladies, as you may just get it.

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All in all, not a whole lot of ranting.  And there were many points I agreed upon.  But explanations are still necessary, as I feel that I have to defend us, the dear sweet women in the room.   (Hi ladies *waves*).  And my responses, these are generalizations of how I see things.  Sometimes, I’ve been told, my vision is faulty.  But I’ve said it before guys, women are crazy.  Every single one of us.  Some may hide it better and some may not.  Some are bad, and others are worse.  But deep down, we are all a little bit nutty.  And if you’ve got a girl who denies that, whoa buddy, you best watch out, as those are the worst ones….

*hugs and kisses* y’all.  Good night!