There are a few different reasons that I’m compelled to write this post… First and foremost, now that the drama of my first date with Paige has faded, I’ve come to realize a few thing that I really fucked up. *deep breath* Therefore I’ve got to hold myself accountable for that. And then second, I need to stand up for my Sir, not that he really needs me to, but I feel the need to defend his right to do what he did, and why, had he not, things could have ended up so much worse.
I also must say that I appreciate the warming response received from most of you regarding the situation. When I told M I was going to blog about it, he joked something along the lines of “All your blogging friends are gonna hate me.” But you didn’t hate on him. You understood. And, honestly, many of your comments helped me understand better, and aided me in becoming more accepting of the situation. So, again, thank you. *blowing kisses*
So here’s where I fucked up…
First mistake: No communication. M and I have talked about a third. We’ve talked about him watching me with another girl. But we had never talked about me having a girlfriend. Nope. Not once. Then a few weeks ago, I blogged about it. Did we talk about it after that… M asked a few questions, I didn’t say much. I knew we were on different pages about what I really wanted, but I struggled to tell him so. I hinted (bad, bad lsam… past experiences should tell me he can’t read my mind). I started an email or two, but never finished them. In hindsight, I was afraid that if I told him, he would tell me no. And I didn’t want to be told no.
Second mistake: No time to adjust. M found out about my thoughts through my blog post, and in less than 2.5 weeks, I was going on a date. See… it wasn’t that new to me. I’d been thinking about it for awhile. Fuck it was on my Bucket List over a year ago. So it wasn’t new to me. And once I put it out there, I saw that as a green light to go. And I jumped in full force. This gave him no time to adjust, really think about it and all that it entailed. I just threw this at him and was like, “Okay, so now you know. I’m gonna go have some fun!” Silly, silly girl. When M found out about my desire for our relationship to turn to D/s, it was a very similar experience. I had been thinking and fantasizing about it for months. Once he agreed to try, I expected him to be where I was. I forgot that he would need to have time to think, time to let it all sink in. Time to figure out what he was willing to try and what he wasn’t. Time to find his own grove in what was to become our dynamic. Fuck, I can’t seem to learn from past mistakes!
Third mistake: Lack of thoughtfulness, on my part. Paige and I talked on AFF for a few days, then we started emailing. Due to very different time schedules, this would happen once, maybe twice a day. No big deal, an email in the morning, maybe after work. And then we started texting. And we’d text off and on all day. And because I was so giddy, so excited about the experience, I failed to realize that it was cutting into Daddy’s time. I’d chat with her when I got home from work, which has always been designated family time. M and the kiddos all get home a few hours before I do, and it is one of the unsaid rules that when I walk in the door, attention needs to focus on the family. And I wasn’t doing this. Also, because I was flirty texting back and forth with Paige throughout the day, it meant I wasn’t flirty texting with M as much as normal. Even if I was talking to him through the day, the fact that I was spending more time engaging with her instead of him, well… that’s not very considerate. And instead of recognizing the warning signs, I chose to turn a blind eye.
Forth mistake: Preparation. As I described in the first date post, I was anxious and jittery all day before the date. I think I probably talked about it constantly. And then I start getting ready very early. Prepped myself. Made myself look as cute as possible. And don’t get me wrong, when M and I go out, I get myself all prettied up too, but not to this extent. I can’t remember the last time I specifically painted my nails because M and I were doing something. Or lotioned my body. Or spent an hour doing my hair. And the fact is M and I don’t go out much. We shoot for once a month, but that doesn’t always work out. And although I’ll shower and shave and put on something cute at the end of the night before we venture upstairs, I don’t get dolled up for nights at home, even on the weekends, when I know that we are going to be hanging out, just the two of us, drinking, smoking, and eventually having great sex. He hasn’t mentioned this, but thinking about it, I’d be kind of shitty if the roles were reversed. If I was watching M get ready, even if it was just a night out with his buddies, and he was doing things for his time with them that he didn’t do for his time with me… well, I’d be hurt. And a little pissy, watching him prep more for them, want to look better for them, then he would for me. Especially if I thought there was a chance that he’d be fucking someone. Fuck… I’d probably go ballistic.
Fifth mistake: Not listening. Okay, so in writing this, I realize that I am a total douche bag. And I’m stupid. M had A LOT of reservations regarding Paige. For many reasons. He was not happy with my choice, and he was man enough to voice them. I, on the other hand, was not man enough to listen to them. Shame on me. He wanted me to take it slower. He wanted me to have a few specific conversations with her that I did not have. “I’ll have them when we meet,” I said. But, honestly, even on the date I didn’t have them with her. But regardless of that, the point is he let me know, well before we made solid plans for our date, that he was not 100% on board with Paige and me pursuing a relationship with her. Now, if you had asked me that on last Saturday, I would have said he was on board, but that is just because I wasn’t listening to him, trying to convince myself he was okay. I was, again, choosing to ignore what I did not want to hear. For this, I am most regretful. Because if I had not done this, completely ignored what my Sir was saying, I could have still gone on the date, but I could have given her a head’s up, let her know that it wasn’t a 100% go. Been honest with both Paige and myself. Again… stupid, stupid lsam.
Sixth mistake: Pride damage. Now, I don’t know if this one is true or not, but upon reflection, I realize that there is a good possibility that I made M feel as though he wasn’t enough for me, that he wasn’t meeting my needs. And that is SOOO not true. M indulges me whenever I want, in numerous way. But here I was, seeking more, something other than him, something he couldn’t offer me. And I never thought about how that could make him feel. How that might give him doubts, especially since I have strayed before. I know if he were to tell me that he wanted to venture outside of our relationship, whether with a man or woman, I would be devastated. I would be hurt. I would feel like I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t make him happy, and that, in turn, would make me feel like he wasn’t satisfied with me and what I had to offer him. And, holy fuck, would I be jealous and envious and almost hateful towards the person who met those needs for him, the person that gave him what I could not. I never thought of any of this. I only thought of what I wanted. Had I reversed my position, perhaps I could have offered him more reassurance. Made sure he knew that no matter what, whether I had a girlfriend or not, whether or not I ever tasted another girl’s cums, that I was happy, satisfied, completely awestruck with him and our relationship and our love and what he does for me and that no matter what, he made me happy. And content. I don’t know if that would have made a difference, but either way, I wish I would have done that. Because it is the truth and he deserves to hear it from me…
And I’m sure there is a lot more ways that I fucked up, without yet even realizing it. But this is where I’m at right now. And I’ve talked to M about a few of them, but not all. And he has been very receptive to my acknowledgement of my mistakes. We have briefly talked about the “what ifs” if we do it again. Things that have to be different. Things that he needs to know. Specific factors such as distance and relationship status that need to be thought out. He is not telling me never, but he is saying that I need to think things through a little more, take more things into consideration besides my libido, and be open and honest with him. I think I can do those things and I don’t think he’s wrong to ask them of me.
And I want to say something in regards to a comment that was made, but has since been deleted at the request of the commenter. Basically, they though M didn’t try. Thought that it was almost irresponsible (my words, not theirs) for him to let me go if he was uncomfortable about it. And I want to say thank you for voicing your opinion, and I’m not, nor was I at any point, overly angry about what you said. Actually, you’re thoughts were the same as mine the night that M and I fought about it (because, believe-you-me it was not a quiet little discussion, more like a 5 hour battle). I was so angry. So, so angry. And although I was fighting that he gave me his permission, he was fighting for us, and all that we entail.
And for that I am grateful. I’m proud and glad that he was willing to recognize my relationship with Paige and his feelings about it could interfere with us, and all that we are. And I am so so appreciative that he brought it up when he did, not another week or another month down the road, when things between Paige and I had progressed even further and stronger emotions were involved. Because although I felt devastated, it would have been much much worse if more time had passed. And all three of us would have been hurt more than we already were. Afterall, my relationship with M is and will always be my primary relationship. Of that I am certain. But I know myself well enough to know that I easily fall for people. I know that I can be in love with more than one person at a time, it happened before, a long long time ago. So I’m grateful he didn’t wait until then to let me know he wasn’t okay.
And that’s his obligation to me, both as my husband, my friend, and my Sir. It’s his responsibility to keep me informed of his thoughts and emotions, at least those that I need to be aware of, in regards to our marriage and our dynamic. And I wish I could say that I was meeting my responsibility to him in the same way, but obviously I’m not. Because of the details of our power exchange, M has the end-all-say-all to just about everything. It’s what I have gifted **perhaps burdened** him with. It is a fundamental, integral part of my submission, and he would not have been doing his duty as my Sir if he had not done what he did. Honestly, had he let it fester, only to explode at a later date, I would have felt he violated his duties to me, not informing me of his emotions regarding the issue.
And what it comes down to, perhaps more than anything else, is that my relationship with M takes precedence over everything else. Perhaps this is due to lack of confidence on my part. Perhaps I am overly co-dependent. It very well may be unhealthy, but it is what it is and it is how I feel. So if I am ever doing anything, anything at all, that has the potential to damage my relationship with him, I want to know. Because our marriage is that important. And so is our dynamic. And I never want to do anything that has the possibility of damaging what we have going on between us. And if he would let that happen, keeping his mouth shut about something that was eating him up inside, just to let me pursue a whim, I don’t think I could trust him again, the way I need to trust him.
I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone other than me, but it’s the best I can do to verbalize how I feel…
So thank you, everyone, for supporting us through this. And, just so you know, I truly believe this is not the end of this adventure. I think with time, patience, and communication I may be able to venture down this path. But I must do it with him, not in lieu of him….
Thanks for allowing me the indulgence of working this out in my head through thinking it out through my fingers. It’s appreciated. *hugs and kisses*
And just ’cause it’s a great song…