In Defense of my Sir: My First Dates Fuck-Ups

There are a few different reasons that I’m compelled to write this post… First and foremost, now that the drama of my first date with Paige has faded, I’ve come to realize a few thing that I really fucked up. *deep breath* Therefore I’ve got to hold myself accountable for that. And then second, I need to stand up for my Sir, not that he really needs me to, but I feel the need to defend his right to do what he did, and why, had he not, things could have ended up so much worse.

I also must say that I appreciate the warming response received from most of you regarding the situation. When I told M I was going to blog about it, he joked something along the lines of “All your blogging friends are gonna hate me.” But you didn’t hate on him. You understood. And, honestly, many of your comments helped me understand better, and aided me in becoming more accepting of the situation. So, again, thank you. *blowing kisses*

So here’s where I fucked up…

First mistake: No communication. M and I have talked about a third. We’ve talked about him watching me with another girl. But we had never talked about me having a girlfriend. Nope. Not once. Then a few weeks ago, I blogged about it. Did we talk about it after that… M asked a few questions, I didn’t say much. I knew we were on different pages about what I really wanted, but I struggled to tell him so. I hinted (bad, bad lsam… past experiences should tell me he can’t read my mind). I started an email or two, but never finished them. In hindsight, I was afraid that if I told him, he would tell me no. And I didn’t want to be told no.

Second mistake: No time to adjust. M found out about my thoughts through my blog post, and in less than 2.5 weeks, I was going on a date. See… it wasn’t that new to me. I’d been thinking about it for awhile. Fuck it was on my Bucket List over a year ago. So it wasn’t new to me. And once I put it out there, I saw that as a green light to go. And I jumped in full force. This gave him no time to adjust, really think about it and all that it entailed. I just threw this at him and was like, “Okay, so now you know. I’m gonna go have some fun!” Silly, silly girl. When M found out about my desire for our relationship to turn to D/s, it was a very similar experience. I had been thinking and fantasizing about it for months. Once he agreed to try, I expected him to be where I was. I forgot that he would need to have time to think, time to let it all sink in. Time to figure out what he was willing to try and what he wasn’t. Time to find his own grove in what was to become our dynamic. Fuck, I can’t seem to learn from past mistakes!

Third mistake: Lack of thoughtfulness, on my part. Paige and I talked on AFF for a few days, then we started emailing. Due to very different time schedules, this would happen once, maybe twice a day. No big deal, an email in the morning, maybe after work. And then we started texting. And we’d text off and on all day. And because I was so giddy, so excited about the experience, I failed to realize that it was cutting into Daddy’s time. I’d chat with her when I got home from work, which has always been designated family time. M and the kiddos all get home a few hours before I do, and it is one of the unsaid rules that when I walk in the door, attention needs to focus on the family. And I wasn’t doing this. Also, because I was flirty texting back and forth with Paige throughout the day, it meant I wasn’t flirty texting with M as much as normal. Even if I was talking to him through the day, the fact that I was spending more time engaging with her instead of him, well… that’s not very considerate. And instead of recognizing the warning signs, I chose to turn a blind eye.

Forth mistake: Preparation. As I described in the first date post, I was anxious and jittery all day before the date. I think I probably talked about it constantly. And then I start getting ready very early. Prepped myself. Made myself look as cute as possible. And don’t get me wrong, when M and I go out, I get myself all prettied up too, but not to this extent. I can’t remember the last time I specifically painted my nails because M and I were doing something. Or lotioned my body. Or spent an hour doing my hair. And the fact is M and I don’t go out much. We shoot for once a month, but that doesn’t always work out. And although I’ll shower and shave and put on something cute at the end of the night before we venture upstairs, I don’t get dolled up for nights at home, even on the weekends, when I know that we are going to be hanging out, just the two of us, drinking, smoking, and eventually having great sex. He hasn’t mentioned this, but thinking about it, I’d be kind of shitty if the roles were reversed. If I was watching M get ready, even if it was just a night out with his buddies, and he was doing things for his time with them that he didn’t do for his time with me… well, I’d be hurt. And a little pissy, watching him prep more for them, want to look better for them, then he would for me. Especially if I thought there was a chance that he’d be fucking someone. Fuck… I’d probably go ballistic.

Fifth mistake: Not listening. Okay, so in writing this, I realize that I am a total douche bag. And I’m stupid. M had A LOT of reservations regarding Paige. For many reasons. He was not happy with my choice, and he was man enough to voice them. I, on the other hand, was not man enough to listen to them. Shame on me. He wanted me to take it slower. He wanted me to have a few specific conversations with her that I did not have. “I’ll have them when we meet,” I said. But, honestly, even on the date I didn’t have them with her. But regardless of that, the point is he let me know, well before we made solid plans for our date, that he was not 100% on board with Paige and me pursuing a relationship with her. Now, if you had asked me that on last Saturday, I would have said he was on board, but that is just because I wasn’t listening to him, trying to convince myself he was okay. I was, again, choosing to ignore what I did not want to hear. For this, I am most regretful. Because if I had not done this, completely ignored what my Sir was saying, I could have still gone on the date, but I could have given her a head’s up, let her know that it wasn’t a 100% go. Been honest with both Paige and myself. Again… stupid, stupid lsam.

Sixth mistake: Pride damage. Now, I don’t know if this one is true or not, but upon reflection, I realize that there is a good possibility that I made M feel as though he wasn’t enough for me, that he wasn’t meeting my needs. And that is SOOO not true. M indulges me whenever I want, in numerous way. But here I was, seeking more, something other than him, something he couldn’t offer me. And I never thought about how that could make him feel. How that might give him doubts, especially since I have strayed before. I know if he were to tell me that he wanted to venture outside of our relationship, whether with a man or woman, I would be devastated. I would be hurt. I would feel like I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t make him happy, and that, in turn, would make me feel like he wasn’t satisfied with me and what I had to offer him. And, holy fuck, would I be jealous and envious and almost hateful towards the person who met those needs for him, the person that gave him what I could not. I never thought of any of this. I only thought of what I wanted. Had I reversed my position, perhaps I could have offered him more reassurance. Made sure he knew that no matter what, whether I had a girlfriend or not, whether or not I ever tasted another girl’s cums, that I was happy, satisfied, completely awestruck with him and our relationship and our love and what he does for me and that no matter what, he made me happy. And content. I don’t know if that would have made a difference, but either way, I wish I would have done that. Because it is the truth and he deserves to hear it from me…

And I’m sure there is a lot more ways that I fucked up, without yet even realizing it. But this is where I’m at right now. And I’ve talked to M about a few of them, but not all. And he has been very receptive to my acknowledgement of my mistakes. We have briefly talked about the “what ifs” if we do it again. Things that have to be different. Things that he needs to know. Specific factors such as distance and relationship status that need to be thought out. He is not telling me never, but he is saying that I need to think things through a little more, take more things into consideration besides my libido, and be open and honest with him. I think I can do those things and I don’t think he’s wrong to ask them of me.

And I want to say something in regards to a comment that was made, but has since been deleted at the request of the commenter. Basically, they though M didn’t try. Thought that it was almost irresponsible (my words, not theirs) for him to let me go if he was uncomfortable about it. And I want to say thank you for voicing your opinion, and I’m not, nor was I at any point, overly angry about what you said. Actually, you’re thoughts were the same as mine the night that M and I fought about it (because, believe-you-me it was not a quiet little discussion, more like a 5 hour battle). I was so angry. So, so angry. And although I was fighting that he gave me his permission, he was fighting for us, and all that we entail.

And for that I am grateful. I’m proud and glad that he was willing to recognize my relationship with Paige and his feelings about it could interfere with us, and all that we are. And I am so so appreciative that he brought it up when he did, not another week or another month down the road, when things between Paige and I had progressed even further and stronger emotions were involved. Because although I felt devastated, it would have been much much worse if more time had passed. And all three of us would have been hurt more than we already were. Afterall, my relationship with M is and will always be my primary relationship. Of that I am certain. But I know myself well enough to know that I easily fall for people. I know that I can be in love with more than one person at a time, it happened before, a long long time ago. So I’m grateful he didn’t wait until then to let me know he wasn’t okay.

And that’s his obligation to me, both as my husband, my friend, and my Sir. It’s his responsibility to keep me informed of his thoughts and emotions, at least those that I need to be aware of, in regards to our marriage and our dynamic. And I wish I could say that I was meeting my responsibility to him in the same way, but obviously I’m not. Because of the details of our power exchange, M has the end-all-say-all to just about everything. It’s what I have gifted **perhaps burdened** him with. It is a fundamental, integral part of my submission, and he would not have been doing his duty as my Sir if he had not done what he did. Honestly, had he let it fester, only to explode at a later date, I would have felt he violated his duties to me, not informing me of his emotions regarding the issue.

And what it comes down to, perhaps more than anything else, is that my relationship with M takes precedence over everything else. Perhaps this is due to lack of confidence on my part. Perhaps I am overly co-dependent. It very well may be unhealthy, but it is what it is and it is how I feel. So if I am ever doing anything, anything at all, that has the potential to damage my relationship with him, I want to know. Because our marriage is that important. And so is our dynamic. And I never want to do anything that has the possibility of damaging what we have going on between us. And if he would let that happen, keeping his mouth shut about something that was eating him up inside, just to let me pursue a whim, I don’t think I could trust him again, the way I need to trust him.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone other than me, but it’s the best I can do to verbalize how I feel…

So thank you, everyone, for supporting us through this. And, just so you know, I truly believe this is not the end of this adventure. I think with time, patience, and communication I may be able to venture down this path. But I must do it with him, not in lieu of him….

Thanks for allowing me the indulgence of working this out in my head through thinking it out through my fingers. It’s appreciated. *hugs and kisses*

And just ’cause it’s a great song…


32 responses to “In Defense of my Sir: My First Dates Fuck-Ups

  1. littlekaninchen

    Funny how we grow from the bumps in the road….
    Your travel has helped us all… We’re listening and learning from your experiences…. Thank you for sharing….


  2. littlekaninchen

    Oh yeah… Love the song.. Just put it on my phone! ❤

  3. Makes perfect sense to me. Owning up to mistakes we’ve made, especially when we’ve hurt someone we love, even unintentionally, is very hard to do. And admitting so publicly, is even harder. I think time and communication will be key if the two of you are to travel this same path in the future.

    • Thanks Mandy. And I agree. Rereading this post now, I’m shaking my head at myself, wanting to kick myself in the ass for not seeing what I was doing, or not doing, that could have made such a huge difference. But I guess that is all part of the journey… And I must remember that this is all much newer to him than to me, and it’s still pretty damn new to me… Thanks for commenting! *hugs and kisses*

  4. Two weeks is pretty fast. Bryce and I were almost comically slow: for a long time our openness was almost entirely theoretical, and things progressed so slowly I believed they’d stay theoretical. (By slow, I mean not weeks or months but years).

    Now that we’re open in practice as well as in theory my own experience is, that the hardest part is the first few weeks after one of my partners gets a new partner. About about 3-4 weeks in I realize the world hasn’t stopped spinning on its axis and I stop worrying about it.

    We started out with tons of rules and dropped most of them because the rules we made were in response to our fears, which had little to do with what actually happened in real life.

    One agreement we had from the very beginning that we still have — we’re a “no veto” relationship. That is, we don’t have and don’t want veto power over each others’ relationships. I trust Bryce to do what is necessary to keep our relationship strong, and over time what I’ve learned is that has little or nothing to do with what he does outside it. If we aren’t committed to in building our own relationship, closing it wouldn’t solve that problem. Once we shifted our mindset to “build” and not “protect” our own relationship only got better, and I personally felt much less fearful and defensive. (It’s hard to feel fearful and defensive when I see Bryce striving every day to make me happier than the day before).

    If you haven’t read Franklin Veaux, he’s written real good stuff; here’s his latest. Also, I recommend the article “Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture” all the time.

    • Lily… First and foremost thank you. I appreciate your support, always, and your advice. I’ve actually been back reading your blog when I have the chance, learning more about non-monogamy and what it entails… I kind of look to you as a mentor, hehe.

      Obviously, I moved too quick and didn’t communicate, nor listen. Three horrible mistakes that I often warn people about in other contexts, such as implementing bdsm into a relationship, but completely ignored myself.

      Also, your comment regarding “building” our relationship instead of “protecting” it… Yes, I need to think more about that. It radiates to me, hearing it put that way…

      And thanks for the links. I’ll be checking them out later today. *hugs and kisses*

  5. It made perfect sense to me…although I have missed a chapter. Sounds like things are headed in the right direction. Live and learn I guess!


  6. “And what it comes down to, perhaps more than anything else, is that my relationship with M takes precedence over everything else. Perhaps this is due to lack of confidence on my part. Perhaps I am overly co-dependent.”

    That makes two of us, babe. My relationship with Daddy is the end all, be all. If He’s not happy about something, it doesn’t happen. I have the freedom to do whatever I want *online* so long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship. It never does because, while I may cyber once in a while (very once in a while, I’m way, way too picky), I’d rather be with Him.

    I think acknowledging your mistakes is fantastic and you did an excellent job here. The question is…. Are you going to learn this time?

    It looks like it. I have faith in you and I know your other readers do. And I know M loves you and he will help you learn, even if it’s just for the sake of his own heart.

    • Thank you catherine. And, holy fucking christ, if I don’t learn from this, then I need to stop whatever it is that I’m doing! M… I think with some time and communication, he and I can move forward from this. He was actually rather upset for telling me I had to end it with Paige, because he doesn’t ever want to stop me from pursuing something I want. We will see… *hugs and kisses*

      • Communication is never a bad thing and M had to do what he had to do for HIM too. And, apparently, that meant putting a red light on this pursuit, for now, forever? Only time will tell. You’re on the right track now I think.

  7. Wow! – That was a long post! (JK, kiddo!) I read the whole thing and, what can I say? You’re right that you were wrong. Being wrong is never a bad thing in a relationship if you can own up to it (preferably before too much time goes by). However, I do hope that you will get another chance to put a check next to that goal on your bucket list.

    • haha. Coming in around 2.5k I think… Definitely too long! And I think I will get another chance, but I’ve got to be open and honest with him. And I must listen to his concerns. *hugs and kisses*

  8. I can tell the bloggers I really care about because when I read posts like this I’m really happy. Glad that you were able to work through those feelings/issues. I’d love to meet you two some day by the way. 🙂

  9. Excellent. Feel a bit better now, darling? I do hope so.


  10. You’re very brace to open up to all of us like this. It sucks admitting you’ve done something in a way you wished you hadn’t. It will make you and M that much stronger and I’m really proud of you both. Stuff like this paves the way for future success, after all. xx Hy

    • Thanks Hy. I think you’re right. And I think this may have finally broken down, or at least weakened, the wall I’ve built around communicating with him. Fuck, I hope so!! *hugs and kisses*

  11. Thank you for your honesty and candor; it couldn’t have been easy for you to put it all out there. Relationships can be such slippery suckers and our hearts can lead us in ways we didn’t know we could go. It is obvious that you have a great capacity to love and that is a blessing. I appreciate how you were true to your D/s dynamic did what you needed to do to keep it in tact. My very best to you both.

    • Thank you elle. My dynamic with M is very important. I was actually fearful, after the fight we had regarding this issue, that it was going to crumble. I knew our marriage was strong enough, but I wasn’t so sure about the power exchange. But now I am becoming aware of its strength as well. *hugs and kisses*

  12. Self-evisceration in 3D HD close-up!
    It is unclear, are you actually looking to go poly or just to get some pussy in your life?
    Or is it simply something ‘over there’?
    Either way, when you decide, remember to stop and tell M what you would like to do this time! Telling us here is waaay less important.

  13. Am I actually looking to go poly or just get some pussy…? I don’t really know. I want more than a fuck, even a regular fuck, but we’ll see. Starting slow this time…

    And Nick… don’t you know by now… telling it here IS telling M about it. haha. I think that’s one of the issues! xoxo

  14. Yes…’telling it here’ is after you have decided, not before you have discussed it with him!
    Like last time…

  15. Hard for me to find anything to add to the insights of your many other followers. Mostly, I want to second the thoughts of your bravery here.
    I do however want to mention one thing. I think you may find that M’s greatest issue here is that you ignored his insight. That “didn’t listen” part. One of the major reasons you established the power dynamic you have is that you trusted him to hold your best interests to heart. And that INCLUDES your libido and desires. Not discussing and listening is pretty implicitly telling him that you didn’t trust him to do that, and I get the impression that, if anything, he watches out for yours even more than he does his own.

    • Ah… very good insight Wolf, and you are exactly right… He does watch out for my desires more than he does his own. And if I could have only paid a bit more attention, to something other than what I wanted, I think a lot of heartache could have been avoided. *sigh* Learning curve, I guess. xoxo

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