Everybody Fights

Every couple fights; no matter how much love there is, no matter how much sex, no matter how

Bondage collar

Bondage collar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

much communication. M and I, well, we don’t fight too often. A minor disagreement here or there, but over all, we rarely fight. And I never go to bed angry. Until last week. And why that night? Who the fuck knows: pride exhaustion, frustration, idk…

But the fight is not really the point here today. Instead, it seems to me that the further we are into our dynamic, the more he becomes the Sir and me the toy, the harder these fights become emotionally, at least for me (not to be snide or snarky, but I don’t think our fights truly bother M… he is proud and sometimes arrogant **sorry Baby**). When he becomes angry, or disappointed in me, it kills a little bit of me, every time. Because more than anything, I want to please him, make him proud of me, be everything he wants and needs. But sometimes I miss the bar.

A little bit ago, Fatal posted about a friend breaking up with the man who had collared her, and how traumatic it was. Now, if you are not in a dynamic, a break up is hard, I don’t want to underplay that. When love is lost, it is always traumatic. But when you in a power exchange, when you have given yourself, your love, your will, your soul, to a man that has earned the title of your Sir, it is not only heartbreaking, it is utterly devastating, as defining yourself without that, without Him, is something you don’t know how to do.

And although M and I are not breaking up, not even close, this relates. Because now, when a fight ensues, it hurts even more. It racks my heart and soul, tears me apart from the inside. I begin to worry. And that worry turns into panic. And the panic, terror. I fret about what he’s thinking, his disappointment. I fear he will no longer want to be my Sir, want to have the responsibility of taking care of the mess that is me. I become afraid that the disappointment will run deep, and turn love and devotion into hatred and disgust. These self-defeating thoughts mix with the anger, and I stew and fester, becoming a fucked up mix of boiling emotions that I don’t know how to handle. And the worst part is the more I become his, the worse these fights attack my psyche.

Crazy, I know, but that’s the way my mind runs.

Now that I’ve reached here, I don’t know what the fuck the point of this post was. I don’t know what I was trying to share or what point I was trying to make. *shrugs* Shit. Sorry folks, for a random rambling…

 

And a song for you Sir… because I love you.

19 responses to “Everybody Fights

  1. LSAM, you may have lost the plot but no way you lost the point!

    That was very beautiful and humbling. As a vanilla I had no idea how far the D/s relationship extended into your soul – not just your soul, but the sub’s soul in general. I have people I consider as friends that have lost their Sir. Until this post, I never saw what that loss was doing to them, why they were wailing so. ‘He’s just this guy, you know’. Well, now I know. Thank you.

    From those friends that have lost, it seems that the relationships are quite asymmetric. The D’s don’t seem nearly as upset as their s. Is this the general situation? Is it part of the job description of a D to be able to walk away from a relationship as ‘easily’ as any guy walks away, or more so? Or it it a necessary emotional prerequisite to be hard on the way out as well as the way in? Or do I just read the wrong blogs?

    • Thank you Nick, for understanding.

      And I can’t speak for Doms in general, but only those that I have known. A true Dom, that is in a dynamic and not just on Fetlife saying “listen to me and do as I say,” will be effected. Should be, I guess is a better thing to say. I can only truly speak of M, who is a manly man. He doesn’t voice his emotions. He deals with them in his own way. So I don’t think it’s necessarily easier, but just not as visible, externally.

      They don’t tend to whine as much as we do, I guess! xoxo

  2. I’m right there with you. These thoughts come on, and even with a reassuring word or touch, they can be hard to shake.

    Love you, sweetness.

    Xoxo

  3. littlekaninchen

    Ok.. Don’t panic! This is part of the journey… First let him read this… Then sit at his feet and be honest.. Let it all out… Discuss and be totally honest with all of it… This D/s relationship is all about the honesty. No one can look down at you if you’re totally honest no matter what.. …
    If its all layed out on your side and his… Then no matter the out come you’ll know that you done all that you could and you’ll be left with a satisfied feeling… Hope that helps…
    I’m sure all is well.. ❤❤

    • It’s the talking that’s so hard. I can talk and talk here, write just about whatever comes to mind. But with him, even when I try to write it thickens my tongue and leaves me at a loss for words. *sigh* At least M does read the blog, so he gets it. But we still don’t talk about it.

      The funny thing is, when He read this last night, he asked me what we were fighting about that night. Neither one of us remembered. I guess that’s what’s important, moving on.

      *hugs and kisses*

      • littlekaninchen

        Clear the air… Don’t let it build… We have down time and were open to discuss and there’s no
        Repercussions …. For anything during this time. You’ll feel free… Communication and honesty… Best Wishes! ❤

  4. Break ups in that dynamic are indeed devastating. My break up with my last Master (fiance) was incredibly difficult, more so than the end of my marriage, which tore me in two. It was partly because it took over a year to accomplish. He lost my respect first, lost the drive to do his part of the relationship – a slave whose Master refuses to acknowledge service is a shell of a slave – then he betrayed me.

    The damage done is still being repaired; thankfully Daddy is a patient man.

    The fights though… I agree, they’re completely terrible. Soul and gut wrenching. The thought “oh my gods, what if this is the last time He puts up with my disappointing Him??” is hard to shake.

    Never going to bed angry is an excellent policy. I can’t always accomplish that with Daddy – because we’re both stubborn – but I never go to bed without our nightly ritual. “I love you, girl. Good night.” “I love You my Daddy, good night.”

    It’s simple but even in the midst of a fight, hearing that from Him is reassuring, a little.

    • Yes. And it’s typically me that is stubborn. M doesn’t hold it against me, but I don’t always let go. The next morning, I woke up slamming kitchen cabinets. But after dropping the girls off at school, I had to text him (I call him every single morning at this time), just saying “Hi Sir,” because I was too damn stubborn to actually call. He responded sweetly and I called. And then it was over.

  5. Never let anyone define you. Even without your significant other, you are a mother, a friend, a daughter. You are a writer. And a good one at that. You are a valuable human being that holds the respect from all your readers and many other people in your personal life.
    All arguments hurt in some way. The Hubby and I have had our arguments/blow outs here and there. The best way we avoid world war 3 is through communication. And on the rare occasion that doesn’t work and shit hits the fan, we give each other space and time to cool off. But we also respect one anothers opinions and feelings.

    • It’s not that I don’t think I have value without him. It’s more that as our dynamic strengthens, my submission runs deeper. It has become a part of me. But I define my submission through M. Without him, it doesn’t exist.

      I don’t know if that makes sense or not…

      xoxo

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