So, as I was surfing the net today, looking up random stuff on sex (one of the many benefits of having a blog), I came across this bullshit

advice article from Men’s Health titled “10 Signs She’s Not Satisfied.”  I’m normally a big fan of Men’s Health, but this thing just pissed me off.  While a few (2) may have some validity, the rest are fucking stupid.  Take a look at the dumb ass advice they are giving you guys.  What The Fuck!?!

1.  She pulls away from the children

  • They are claiming that she does this as a way to seek attention from you.  Let me tell you, I’ve got three kids.  If I’m being mean to the kids, or ignoring them, or being short with them, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  It is typically one of three things.  The first- the kids have been horrible that day and I no longer have any patience with them.  The second- I had a shitty day at work and I just want to not have to deal with anything for a little bit.  No I don’t want to put on iCarly.  No I don’t want to get you a popsicle.  No I don’t want to go sled riding.  I want to not think for 15 minutes.  The third- I’m getting my period and just simply bitchy to everyone for no rhyme or reason.  But either way, it has nothing to do with not being satisfied in my sex life.

2.  The credit card bill is higher

  • The theory being that she will begin shopping more to “fulfill” herself.  Shut the fuck up!  I shop when I’m happy, I shop when I’m sad, I shop whenever the hell I feel like it.  But let me tell you, I have NEVER gone shopping because I’m horny and not getting any.  Not even at a sex toy shop.  Not once.

3.  She’s gained weight

  • If you’re not fucking her, then apparently she will eat more to “feed” her “sexual hunger.”  Nope.  She may eat more because she’s stressed, tired, cranky, or has PMS.  I don’t think she’s eating more because she needs to cum.  While bananas and cucumbers can get you off, it’s not going to work if you are only putting them in your mouth!

4.  She’s working or drinking more

  • This one, maybe I can see.  They stated that it is because she’s trying to “disconnect” with her partner.  Most times, if she’s working more, it’s cause she’s busy at work.  Period.  End.  If she’s drinking more, it could be because she likes to drink, she’s stressed and needs to relax and not think about shit, or it could be because she’s pissed at you for leaving the toilet seat up.  Now, let me be honest here.  Sometimes if she’s “working late” she might just be trying to stay away from you because things aren’t good.  Sometimes (rarely, but I’ve seen it happen) she might be having a fling at work.  And with drinking more…  It’s such a loaded statement, because it could be that you aren’t fucking her.  Or it could not.  And is the drinking going on at home or at the bar?  If she’s never one to have gone to the bar before and all of a sudden she’s doing her hair and make up and in her little black dress and going to the bar without you…  Well, I would probably be a little worried about that one…

5.  She lets snide comments sneak out in conversations with friends

  • First, snide comments don’t “sneak out.”  They are there for a reason and they are never an accident.  So this one is most likely true.  If she’s saying things that are rude and ignorant, especially in front of you, she’s pissed and unhappy with you.  But that being said, we all bitch to our friends about you.  Every one of us.  So if you overhear her talking on the phone to her bff, and she calls you a prick, don’t worry about it.  If you are out together at a party, and while the two of you are talking with another couple, and your partner says something completely asshole-ish about you, I would be a little worried that she is definitely not satisfied with you at that moment.

6.  You catch her masturbating

  • Really!?  Because I masturbate just about everyday.  Sometimes more than that.  And I love my sex life.  I fucking recommend masturbation to women who
    English: Female masturbation with an electric ...

    Image via Wikipedia

    want to increase the amount of sex they are having.  And the more sex I have, the more I masturbate.  Especially if it’s hot and dirty sex.  Then I think about it.  A lot.  And when I get home from work, I’m horny as hell.  So I go rub one down.  I mean, think about it.  Men, do you only masturbate when you are “unsatisfied” with your partner?  Fuck No.  You masturbate because you want to cum.  What the fuck!?!  This is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard!  Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, dumb fucking assholes.  (Can you tell this one really pissed me off!)

7.  She’s turned into a vixen

  • So, according to Men’s Health, if I bring in some new toys or try a new technique when I’m sucking M’s cock, then it must mean I’m not satisfied.  Shut the fuck up!  I bring in toys and porn and new ideas because I like to try new things and find new ways to get off.  If none of us ever did this shit, then we would all still be doing it missionary with the damn lights off.  Come on people.  It even mentions “if she suggests you rent videos…”  How about I mention renting videos because porn turns me on, and it turns M on, so lets watch it together and be turned on.  If your girl brings something new to bed, don’t worry.  She’s doing it because she’s hot, she’s comfortable with you, and she wants to have fun.  That’s all there is to it.

8.  She’s turned into a cold fish

  • We can’t fucking win here.  First, we are not allowed to experiment with our sex lives, but if we slack off and don’t “move much” or are ” guess what, we’re still unsatisfied.  I mean, maybe…  If you are trying a new position and she’s not moving much, maybe she doesn’t like that position.  Maybe you just need to roll her over and fuck her doggy style.  If she’s always been active in bed, and for the last month, she just lets you fuck her and doesn’t get involved, then, yeah, there is a problem.  But sometimes, it could just be that she’s tired.  Or sore.  Or has a headache.  If it’s a pattern, be worried.  If it’s one night, go get her some Advil and a glass of wine…  Oh, but wait, that means she’s drinking more…

9.  She’s looking hotter lately

  • Well, we’ve already been told that if she gains weight, it means she’s not happy.  Well, now if she is trying to look good, your fucked too.  She might be trying to get your attention (we all like attention), but she just may be trying to improve her health or look better or exercise.  Or actually start wearing the closet full of clothes that she has.  Who knows.  But really, unless she starts going to the bars all hoochy like, don’t question that she wants to look hot for you.  If she goes out of her way to look hot, fuck her, and don’t look into it.

10.  She’s more critical of you

  • This one is probably true.  If she’s criticizing you, then she is unsatisfied.  obviously.  Talk to her about it, figure out what is going on.  And then go fuck her brains out.

I don’t know.  Two out of ten.  This thing pissed me off so much.  What stupid fucking advice are people putting out there?  No fucking wonder

Fuck you

Image by Stéphane Giner via Flickr

men are confused about women!  I mean, according to Men’s Health, if I gain weight or try to look good, I’m unsatisfied.  If I really like sex and try to make it better, I’m unsatisfied.  If I’m not really in the mood, and don’t actively bounce against your cock when we do fuck, I’m unsatisfied then too.  If I masturbate, you better watch out, because I am not satisfied.  If I work, drink, or shop, I’m not satisfied.  And if I don’t pay enough attention to our kids, that means that you don’t fuck me enough and, again, I am NOT satisfied.

Fuck you Men’s Health!  And your stupid columnist who wrote this!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Sorry for my rant.  It’s over.  I feel better.  Thanks.