Preface: Nothing but rambling as I work out my thoughts. Just warning y’all.
As a writer, I’m always focused on word counts and deadlines and productivity, so when it comes to writing for me, writing to sort my own shit out, I tend to avoid it, almost because I feel it’s a waste of words. Words that should be put towards assignments, looming deadlines, works in progress, or at least here on the blog.
And in the past, I did a lot of my emotional shit sorting here. At least it’s not words written into nothing but the wind. But since the very beginning of this thing with Lynn, I haven’t used the blog much to organize my mind and heart about the situation, to spew all the nonsensical chaos in my head. Instead I held it in, try to sort it out inside my mind, which only left me cloudy and confused.
Two weeks ago, I finally sat down and vomited my words onto paper. And after ten pages of handwritten fears and joys and doubts and wants, it was then that I decided it was time to end the sexual aspect of M’s and my relationship with Lynn.
Not because it wasn’t fantastic. Not because it wasn’t fun. But because my heart was too involved. After a night when, for a variety of reasons, Lynn decided to go home instead of stay, I found myself in tears, broken-hearted and let down, wanting nothing more to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.
Obviously, I don’t do casual well. Instead of fucking with my body, I tend to do it with my heart.
And I knew then that it had to end. Two days later, I explained to her that I loved her too much for us to keep fucking. That things were complicated in her life, and I was adding to those complications and I didn’t want to do that. This thing we were doing was supposed to be about fun, not stress. I told her that our friendship was too important to me, and although I loved licking her pussy, I loved her in my life more.
She understood and even thanked me, knowing what I said was true. And we continued through that week with no real complications, engaging daily, doing yoga together, and going about the things we always do. Until the three of us got drunk together that Friday night at Lynn’s house and ended up in bed yet again.
And I don’t regret that. Not one bit. But a part of me was pissed. Through this whole thing, the ball has always been in Lynn’s court. She made the decisions of when it would happen or when it wouldn’t. She could back out or jump in whenever she wanted. M and I were fine with that. She was the third. She was in a complicated life situation. Ultimately, if and when anything would happen, it was on her.
But when I made my decision to end it, I did so because I needed to have some control over the situation. I needed to protect my heart. We all knew this was going to be a short lived affair, and it was adding extra complications to both Lynn’s life and our friendship.
But then last Friday happened, and my head and my heart got all fucked up again.
And then this week, things happened in Lynn’s life that made it official. And while it made my heart dreadfully sad for my loss, it was expected, and in many ways it was a good thing.
But what I didn’t expect was that when I lost the sexual part of our relationship, I would lose more as well.
Without even realizing it, our relationship changed in more ways than just the bedroom. While we have been best friends for over 15 years, through these last few months she became more of a primary figure in my life.
Since the beginning of January, I’ve been the closest person to her. And, other than M, she’s been the closest person to me. We talked every morning, every night before bed, and multiple times in between. I was the shoulder she cried on and the hand she reached for when she was down. We have literally talked every single day since before the first time we shared a bed.
And it wasn’t until right now, as I’m typing out these thoughts, that I realize I am no longer that person for her and I think that is a huge part of my heart ache. And I wasn’t prepared for that. I did not make the realization that as she moved on, that aspect of our friendship would no longer be needed.
And I’m happy for that. I’m happy that she’s now in a position where she does not need to lean on me. But it was more than her leaning on me. It was me leaning on her, as well. It was me looking forward to her messages and calls. Getting excited to see her and hang out, even when it was solely platonic, which truly was the majority of the time.
And so it’s for these change in the friendship that I hurt the most for. It’s because even though she may not need me that way, I may still need her.
And that loss is making me emotional. And for those few of you who know me on a more personal level, you know I’m already overly emotional. I love and I love hard and I’m quick to react when it comes to those I care about. I believe “visceral” has been used more than once to describe my behaviors.
And I understand this about myself. But then I look at this situation and how I’m responding, it makes me question too much. It makes my long held insecurities rise to the surface of my mind where they start beating up on my psyche.
Because I’ve always loved Lynn. Friends since before college, we’ve seen each other through some tough times. But once these things between us started, my love for her deepened to a new level. I’m not necessarily saying I am in love with her, but I love her more than before, and I don’t think that will lessen.
Yet now when I go to pick up my phone first thing in the morning to wish her a good day, doubts rise and I question if I should. Is this inappropriate now? Do “normal” friends do such things? Am I being obnoxious? Am I like a lost puppy dog, sad and pathetic?
And these thoughts lead to worse thoughts and it makes me wonder about our fling, about how our friendship changed. It makes me question motives and agendas, which I never questioned until now. It makes me wonder if it was me she wanted or if she just was seeking the experience. Perhaps it was the desire to fuck a new man or just something to fill the void while life worked itself out.
And while I don’t think any of that is true, honestly, because she has given me no inkling of such things, it doesn’t matter if it is. It was still a great time with a great friend that I will cherish forever. But yet these insecurities riddle my mind and hurt my heart and fuck with my head in a way I don’t like.
I’ve got to pull my shit together and get my head on straight. I’ve got to do it for me. I’ve got to do it for M. And I’ve got to do it for Lynn.
I just quite haven’t figured out the quickest way to do it yet.
Damn girl drama.